I woke up and I could feel my hands.....

 I rolled over in bed to find my sweet little Ansel had sneaked into my bed in the night. I reached up to stroke his angelic sleeping face, suddenly I realized I could feel it! I squealed with joy, ran to my other two kids and just stroked their hair, their faces. I couldn't get enough.  It was the single most happy day since may...

Then I woke up.

When I became a mom, I learned to cherish those sweet stolen moments of caressing my kids face, stroking their hair, holding their hands all those moments that give you that feeling of awe. That feeling of extreme gratitude and wonder at how you made this little person and there they were in all their glory.

You never realize what little things you cherish until they are gone. The ability to do these simple things I took for granted.

There are the normal everyday things you get frustrated over, personal hygene, getting dressed, opening bottles, getting some tylenol for a headache. You suddenly realize you need someone there to help. Brushing the hair of your wife can quickly be put on the back burner when there is laundry, dishes, vacuuming  and little potty training bottoms to wipe. You adjust, learn to manage. Cut your hair, avoid buttons and zippers even if it means wearing PJ's a lot, use your teeth, get your kids to help etc. You aren't prepared to have to adjust but you do. But what happens when you loose something that you can't find a substitute for?

No warning came, no rule book or manual. Emotions go crazy, everything you knew suddenly isn't any more. Parts of your life are gone and the rest completely different. You get twisted and turned around and inside out. On top of everything else my heart has been ripped out. Those special moments were ripped from me.

I don't know how to find a substitute for the loss of that feeling. The connection that I felt when I got to steal those little moments with my children. We still snuggle, giggle, and play. There is just something about those moments I would eat up and I am starving for them.

Cherish all the little things in life, savor them knowing that each time could be your last. You never know when those things will get ripped from you. I may get those  moments back...but then again I may not. I know I can always dream about them, but no matter how vivid that dream is, it's just not the same.

Bringing it all into focus.

Sometimes in tragedy we find our life's purpose - the eye sheds a tear to find its focus.  ~Robert Brault

Sometimes when things go crazy in life, it's to help us find the focus. The REAL focus. It's all to easy to forget where we should focus our time, efforts, energy, and emotions.  Now, I am not saying that every tragedy in life is to prove some point or to give someone this huge epiphany or something. Sometimes though, I think that is exactly what these blips of craziness are supposed to do. When we get down on the kind of parent we are, down on what kind of spouse we are, down on what kind of friend, sibling, child we are; these blips sort of help us find the focus and bring us back from our pits of despair and focus our energies on the things that truly matter.

I had an opportunity to take some time with dear friends and get a bit of a recharge.  I have been on the verge of quitting recently, more then once.  Now when I say quitting, I'm not even sure exactly what that means. I can't say I've had any sort of suicidal thoughts because that just isn't who I am. I really though, beyond that, don't know how far quitting meant. I just know I was so tired of not being able to do, feel, or know. Frankly I stopped doing that which my Heavenly Father would have me do, I stopped seeking the good. Not really intentionally just my focus was gone. My focus was blown way out and I needed last weekend to help me realign it.  The theme of the conference was fittingly, "Seek the good". Inspirational speakers, soul lifting music, and even tearful realizations were on the agenda Friday and Saturday.  

Messages about how you may not choose how things happen, you do get to choose how you handle them. Messages about how all of us are in a sinking boat, some of us might have bigger holes in our boats then others, but we are all sinking. Our stories may not turn out exactly as we would have written them, lets face it no one would intentionally write in tragedy to their own story, but without it how would we really know when the really great things are happening? How we handle the rewrites is what makes us who we are. Just like the refiners fire, the tempering is what makes us stronger.

I would never have written in the loss of my Dad at 16, or that car accident that changed my direction the month later. I would never have written in the job losses. I would never have written in 12 miscarriages, pregnancies riddled with pre-term contractions, and hyperemesis. I certainly would NEVER have written in MS into the story. Those things would never have made the final draft because I would have written in all the daisies, dandelions, and yellow balloons of life. I think if given the chance we'd all pick yellow balloons over rotten apples, even if those rotten apples eventually turn into a beautiful tree later. In the now, all we see are the stinky rotting apples.

 A few of my rotting apple situations turned into three of the most beautiful, trying, amazingly brilliant kids. My pregnancies weren't easy, but boy do my kids make up for that icky bag of goo while waiting for them. I am not sure exactly why my Dad had to leave this earth when he was so young, but I think more that wasn't about me. It was about this amazing man being done here on earth with what his Heavenly Father had for him to do. It was a release for him, my sorrow just happen to be a by product of the necessity for him to go on. I miss him like crazy but i know he is doing his part on the other side. This HUGE rotting sack of apples the Dr's call MS, who knows what it's going to bring in my life. What I see it teaching me right now is how to learn to ask for help. I still fight asking for help to the point of extreme frustration. I didn't ask to not be able to feel my kids face when I stroke it, I didn't ask to get tired just walking through the grocery store, to the point of near fainting. I didn't ask for an overworked husband. I din't ask for the extra stress of medical bills and no insurance. I also didn't ask to have an amazing husband, kids, caring friends, and for a disease that isn't terminal. I do however, appreciate these things. I appreciate them more now then ever before.

So what do I do with this new found focus? I learned not to compare my boat and the holes in it to anyone else.  I know for sure that while I think my holes are huge, they are nothing compared to some. I learned that even if I think that I could have written my story a little better, my Heavenly Father is the best author. Only He knows where these twists, turns, and diversions are going to lead me. It's up to me to make my story something I am proud of, to handle the adversity with focus and seeking the good.  

I am sure I'll stumble more then I'll walk strong. Music can drive a message deeper then even words can sometimes, be sure to stop and truly listen. The only thing that matters is that you keep hearing the music, keep finding a beating drum to march to, even if it's completely different then the one you started out marching to.

I am still refining and honing my focus. As I face new challenges every day, new frustrations every day, I will try to keep the focus from at least getting blown way out again. I really don't want to quit. I really want to get past the depression of loosing who I thought I was. I would love to move on to finding out who I will be. I want to be an amazing mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend. Until I can get there, until I can let go who I thought I was going to be and work on who I am meant to be...

I will seek the good, and try to bring it all into focus.

Friends...they help pass the time

I used to be extremely extroverted. I never had trouble making friends growing up. I had to,we moved so much that making friends quickly was a survival thing. Then I married one of my best friends and had kids. Now I feel like I don't make friends so well. I have lived in this area going on 3 years. I go to church, am active with the kids school, but just do not feel like I have friends to hang with, be a get away or anything.

I have dear friends, don't get me wrong...just none of them are in Athens. My bestest of friends are at least an hour away. I also have friends I have never met in person, great friends who I've spoken to on a near daily basis and care about me and mine. Even if they aren't people I've met in person they are genuine and caring.

In the mail today was an envelope. In the envelope was a card. In the card was a very kind, thoughtful, loving gift.The gift was a key chain that said "just keep swimming" on it. The gifters? A group of women I met   on a message board three years ago. To this day haven't met a one in person. They are a sounding board, they listen to my hopes, fears, trials, and triumphs. Today they made me feel loved, like I have a team cheering for me. Today my downs aren't quite as down.

I cherish my fiends from afar..I hope that soon I can have some to cherish who are near.

Days...

There are days and days in one persons life. Some are good, some bad, some great, and some you wish never happened.  There are days I wish I could do over, rewind and have end differently, some I'd like to skip all together. There are a few days I'll never forget and do not mind keeping.

Keep List

• Meeting my very best friend in 7th grade. Christa and I were like two peas in a pod. She and I shared nearly all of our biggest teen life moments together. 
• Marrying the man of my dreams. I would change how we did it,but the actual act...never ever. (FYI never elope if you are the baby of the family and the last girl...it's bad mojo from your mom for the rest of your life.)
• The day that I got to look into the eyes of each of my amazing kids. I live and breathe for them.

Give Away List

• The day I found out my dad died. I was 16 at a church youth conference and everyone just stared as I broke down.
• The day I let someone make me feel like a failure for not being able to nurse James or deliver him vaginally. I battle that feeling of inadequacy often because of that one day I let it creep in.
• The day we decided to move to CO. That lead to much heart ache for my family.
• The day my life changed and MS became a factor in my life.

There are more I'm sure but these days stick out in my mind. I know that these events shape us into who we are. I know that those days will have a forever profound mark in my life but I really do wish some could be taken away. 

I have MS, even if you don't think I look sick

If you don't know me or don't see me on a daily basis you might never know. I don't have a rash, lost limb, or really any outer display to tell you I am sick . I don't use a wheel chair, walker, or cane...yet. I may look completely "normal" if you see me in the am, and a hot mess by afternoon. That's just the nature of MS.

I have nerve damage, you can't see it, only I can feel it. I am not stuck up or trying to be offensive by not shaking your hand,hugging you, or accepting the warm friendly rub on my arm. It hurts, like a lot. Imagine having a wire brush ran up and down your arm, or pressed into our hand...that is what I feel with every friendly arm rub, hand shake,or hug.

Every day normal activities that I used to be able to do I can't or am in the process of trying to figure out. When you think I've worn the same pants three days in a row, don't whisper, I probly did. I can't button buttons or zip zippers so I am limited on what clothes I can wear. And yes I did just wear that shirt, it's one of the few that don't make me go crazy after 5 min of wearing it. 

I would rather have an elaborate cooked meal, in fact I LOVE to cook; however I love my fingers too. I am still figuring out how to get back to doing something I love safely. I can and almost have easily cut a finger off and not felt it until it's too late, burn my hands because that pot or cookie sheet didn't feel that hot. So don't judge me when my kids say we had spaghetti or fish sticks six times this month. Orturn up our nose because my 11 and 8 year olds have to help with dinner.

Typing,oh how I love to type! I communicate on facebook, socialize, and network my business. I don't type as fast as I used to, in fact I am down from 100+ wpm with perfect accuracy to 18 wpm with still many mistakes. I still do it because it's an outlet for me.  It may take me longer and I may not always fix my typos but I am ok with that no need to point them out. My handwriting is pretty much illegible so when i say i can't write,I mean it takes me forever and a lot of focus and energy to make it illegible. My husband usually fills out the paper work for me, but clearly he's not sewn to my side. don't take it personally if i ask you to jot something down for me.

MS is an autoimmune disease I was born with it, I didn't do anything to cause it. Nothing really brought it on and nothing will make it go away. I may get better as the myelin  heals, but I might not. i may end up in a wheel chair, with a walker, or a cane..might not. Being fat did not bring this on, and being thinner won't make it go away. I have goals to loose weight, but they are my goals not yours...I don't have to tell you if I don't want to.

if I am any better or my hands go back to normal I will shout it from the roof tops. If you don't want a real answer don't ask me how I am doing. Most days i am ok, not dead is a good thing. There are also days I am extremely depressed and feel like I can't do this. It's normal,  if I ever can't shake the funk I have an amazing Dr who will help me and I won't hesitate to call him.

Things that you can do? I surely do not expect anything from anyone...

• Any time a meal is brought it takes that much stress out of my day.
• Cards make me smile.
• Just being thought of and little random acts of kindness are great.
• Just be a genuine friend.
• Sometimes i just need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to.

I try to keep things light and in the end, I guess really just be kind to people because you never know what battles they are facing and could really use an ally.

It's time for a new page deisgn, I'll have to see what I can find

Just a little retrospect here, I have in the past year been in 2 car accidents. Ansel was 3wks old when we got into one, had to replace a carseat, but it did it's job and protected my little man. We just had our second this year on Saturday. A whole chain of events happened that I am positive is what made our outcome so much better.

Lets start with, we have my niece over for a visit, James was at home with her and Grandma and our friend Fiona. Blessing #1

Ansel's car seat was installed in my friend's car and I was too lazy to move it into one of ours. Blessing #2

I am a car seat Nazi. Blessing #3

I didn't go by myself, Brian came with me. Blessing #4

Brian turned left instead of our normally going straight. Blessing #5

So many more..but lets begin the recreation of events.

Friday night, I went to a lovely conference for Women. It was inspirint and a much needed affirmation for me that I AM a good mother, and I DO do a great job with that duty.

Saturday the conference continued, my friend was with me, and we used my van to car pool. So she left her beastly tank of an SUV for Brian to drive. I had installed Ansel's carseat, and put the high back booster in the car for Madilyne and moved over James' booster as well.
Time Out For Women was fantastic, very inspirational and uplifting. We got home and I realized I didn't have enough chicken nuggets to feed everyone so I was going to go pick something up at the store to make dinner. I normally would have gone by myself or taken a baby with me somethin like that. I felt impressed to have Brian go with me, so I asked him to come and off we went. I thought about moving the carseats into our little cobalt, but alas I was too lazy to do so. I figured it was a 10 minute trip so I would move them later. We were across the street from the store, stopped at a stop sign, we saw that it was clear, to get to the store we had to cross a 4 lane hwy, once it was clear we went, made it past two lanes of traffic, Brian instead of going straight as he normally would have, he turned left. Out of no where, a black ford explorer emerged and smacked our front end, he bounced off and smacked us again. There were no skid marks, his car was so badly damaged he couldn't get the driver side door open. But the other driver was ok, Brian was ok, the car we were in barely looks like anything happened to it.

Madilyne, Ansel, and I went to the hospital to get checked out. Ansel was fine just scared, Madilyne bruised her shoulder bone, but nothing major. No broken bones, no lacerations, so that was good. I have a concussion, whip lash, and bruising to my upper chest area and back.

Had we gone about this the way we normally would have, I doubt we would have fared so well. That Explorer vs my little cobalt, explorer would have totally won. We had Fiona with us so we were able to leave Carly and James, making two less kids with us.I had installed the car seats the morning before and because I'm such a car seat nazi, they were installed correctly. Because my children were properly restrained they suffered minimal injuries. Had Brian gone straight, the impact would have been right into my door, and who knows what would have happened to me then.

All these blessings add up to an event that could have been completely different. Yes we crashed a car that wasn't ours, Yes we don't have the money to buy new car seats and wait for reimbursement, yes we don't have the money to pay the deductible, but YES my kids are alive, YES Brian and I are alive, YES we were protected by a guiding force that I can only explain as God and his Angels.

Life is good!

Still going....=o)

So I am totally diggin the cloth diapering. Ansel's bottom looks so much better and they are deffinately NOT what I thought they were.

I used to baby sit twins and they had the yucky prefolds, pins and rubber pants. HATED it. But I am so into the all in ones and pockets and all in two's and all the new stuff for diapers now!

Brian is probly glad we don't have alot of money right now haha, I'd be buying diapers left and right!

Pics to come soon!

My Cloth Diaper Journey

I have decided to take a little journey through the cloth diaper forest.
I have learned that there are lots of different trees in this forrest.
You can find really good protective trees that don't let sap run all over you, and then there are not so good ones that the sap just seems to oooze out.  I have also learned that when you wash these "trees" once fantastical trees and turn into stinky ooozing trees.

I have gotton alot of help along the way from friends, from websites and am hoping that the diaper fairy will leave me some money or some diapers LOL

Here is what I know.
I know that cloth diapering is so way different from the prefolds and diaper pins and rubber pants that I delt with when I baby sat twins years back...

I love all in ones, aka AIO, I like prefolds folded into thirds and put it in the cover, and I like pocket diapers too. They are half way between aio's and prefolds and covers. they have a nifty pocket that you put a liner into. lots of different choices and brands in all of these categories.

There are places that will give you great info on washing and care. There is even a place that will help those who want to cloth diaper but can't afford the start up! check out The Cloth Diaper Foundation

Lots of give aways and discounts. Right now even Cotton Babies is having a free diaper week! Seriously cool, hey a girl can hope she'll win right? I dig the Bum Genius diapers, they are an AIO and keep Ansel super dry! I also dig the econobum, it's very cost effective =o)

all in all this forrest isn't ask big dark and scary as i had originally viewed it. I am sold...Brian on the other hand...not so much..Yet at least

Mommy wants freebies give aways...gotta love em

So I totally dig Mommy wants freebies. I totally dig giveaways even still...so here are two spankin give aways


http://www.mommywantsfreebies.com/2010/08/coupon-binder-review-giveaway-ends-908.html  - coupon binder

http://www.mommywantsfreebies.com/2010/08/chicobag-review-giveaway-ends-914.html  - a foldy upy messenger bag

I love love the blog have fun and go check it out.

Today is it!

Today here in an hour I will have had my exit interview at Sage, a place that I have spent as much if not more time in that past four years as my own home. A place where I found loving friends, wonderful people and a decent place to work. Ultimately a choice I only sometimes regret lol...and only because it put us in a place where we counted on my job when that was never the intention.

I will be saying good bye to good people, to coming into work for "The Man" and turning over myself to my family once again and working for them.

I am beyond excited, but a little sad to close the chapter of my life that I call my Georgia existance.

yay for cool things!

http://mommywantsfreebies.blogspot.com/2010/05/loading.html

Cool give aways and cool things!

Just a quickie

Big things happening soon, life as I know it will never be the same...for that I am greatful. Stay tuned for pictures =O)

Wednesdays...I am not sure if I like em or hate em...

So here it is Wednesday again, On one hand I love it, that means only two more work days and I get snuggle time with my kiddos. But in the grand scheme of things, each Wednesday that passes so goes another week that I feel like I've missed out on in my families lives.

It's indeed a dreadful thing when all one wishes to do is be home and change diapers, wash bottles, wipe noses, help with homework, and cook dinner and just be Mom and my poor fantastical other half wants to go to work, make money and be Dad and we can't. Brian has to do what I want to do, and I have to do what he wants to do. All for the sake of staying afloat. Which I am indeed greatful for my job and do find it a blessing, but I do so wish the roles could be reversed. I wish it were me that didn't have the full time job and Brian did, not only because I want to be at home, but I want Brian to be happy and feel like he's supporting his family and doing his part.

Though I will say he does make a very good Mr. Mom...he folds laundry and puts it away...I only ever washed it. I did put the babies clothes away. I guess because they were small...I don't know.I do know I HATE folding laundry.

Our trip to see Kahaolani baptized is coming up, I'm excited for that. I've not seen my brother in over 10 years. His oldest was 2! I've never met the other three and he's never met Brian or any of my kids. It's much needed and will be hopefully a great stress reliever.The kids don't know we are going and they won't know until we leave that night, they are even going to school that day =o)

Holly is due with her littlest one here any day, Brittany and Amberli will be getting baptized sometime in May I suppose...life is changing all around...I wonder what other changes will come

A spankin giveaway!

http://mommywantsfreebies.blogspot.com/2010/03/giveaway-time-we-are-giving-away-50.html

Giveaway time!

We are giving away a $50 gift basket from Ruby's Closet! Ruby's Closet is one of the most chic, fashion forward places to get great things for your little one! Ruby's Closet has products in several stores around the country AND has been featured in several publications as well as swag bags for industry parties and awards events!


To enter all you have to do is go to Ruby's Closet and tell us what your favorite product is by leaving a comment on Facebook. If you are not yet a Facebook fan, please join us! You MUST leave a comment on Facebook to enter this giveaway!
BONUS entries:

• Blog about this giveaway
• Follow Ruby's Closet on Facebook
• Follow Mommy Wants Freebies on Twitter
• Tweet about this giveaway
• 5 BONUS entries for making a purchase on Ruby's Closet!

Leave a separate Facebook comment for each entry! Contest ends Saturday April 3rd at 11:59pm PST. Winner will be selected at random using www.random.org. Winner will have 48 hours to respond or another entry will be selected at random. Please email me with any questions you may have at luckylucyjones@yahoo.com.

now that all my randomness is in one place.....

i am now 29. i've got one ore year til the big 3-0. i am ok with that...really i am. i thought it was going to be this big huge deal where i'd have a melt down and well i just won't. I have my kids, my husband, and the rest of my family and life truly is good. Sure some things might be hard but...we'll survive. Hevenly Father will not let us down. He will not forsake us and for that I take comfort.

I know that for all I do I will be blessed. I have brilliant children, a beautiful daughter, lovinghusband and two fantastically handsome sons. I have a roof over my head and as much as I may hate it there a job that pays more then minimum wage!

Now I have aspirations and places to be things to do and all that jazz but for now I am OK with how life is going.

aug 07

And this too shall pass

When you have kids, whining, crying, screaming at different intervals in the day sometimes you just want to cry. Then you suck it all up, threaten to beat them if they don't stop. Kiss them hug them and remind yourself this too shall pass!

I had to actually threaten James if he wasn't polite and kind to his teacher when we went to meet her yesterday! I told him he'd loose the xbox...ah the power of video games! Once he got over his attitude he actually really liked her, not so much for the reasons we do, but he does like her. He likes that he has his own desk with his own books etc....I love her already because she has a plan to keep him challenged! Multiplication work sheets, extra reading projects etc...so excited!

sept 07 when i hated public school

Today’s School System

If I could, I would start my own school system. For some strange reason, today's school system believes that no recess is a good idea, and that 15 min of TDPE(teacher directed PE) is all a squirmy, wormy, fun loving child needs n a 7 hr day to keep themselves under control.

No wonder today's society is full of ADD/ADHD, Obese, Bi-Polar, and depressed couch potatoes!

Not only does the school pretend to care, they look down on you when you actually DO care! If you voice your opinions differently then what they'd expect of you, you are suddenly the trouble maker, or uncaring, unconcerned parent.

School administrators today believe that all children should do is listen, follow directions, stay with the group, sitting in desks for 7 hrs a day, with only a 15min break in the day. They wonder why children can't sit still. Why they want to roll on the classroom floor with bean bags over themselves, go to sleep during story time, and why it is that the nation is suddenly over flowing with kids addicted to TV, ho-ho's, and  video games. Instead of the children that I remember being! Staying outside to play until it was too dark to see, or your mom called you in because it was getting dark.

When parents had to set rules of when it was time to come in, now we do all we can to get them to go outside!

Yet in many states recess is gone, TDPE for 15 min a day seems acceptable, and medicating the crud out of every child that can't sit still for 7hrs aday is the norm. I wish that I could change the world for my kids' sake.

jan 08

Reality...sometimes not that great...

Yesterday I realized that reality isn't always what it's cracked up to be...

Reality 1, I am 26 years old and have done nothing and everything already!- I am an accomplished Wife and Mother, my whole lifes goal was to become a wife and mother. I got married at 19 to the most amazing man I know, he is patient, king, caring, and picks up where I lack.I had my first child when I was 20, the second just after I turned 23. Leaving my lifes dreamed mostly fulfilled, would love to fill my life with more children, but for now that will have to wait. I love being a mom, I love being a wife. I feel so blessed that I was lead to such a wonderful eternal partner and was trusted to raise two such fantastic kids until they make it back to our Father in Heaven.....Everything!!!

I haven't given any thought to school, not since getting out of highschool I've had only 4 jobs outside of being a Mom. Loved and hated them all. The one that brings me the most gratitude is our photography. It's hard to pull that off and work full time as well...Maybe I can get it off the ground enough again that I can return home and work full time on that. I feel like a part of me though wants to go to school, but I think I'm mostly afraid of failure, of not being able to hack it, with me being married and a mom...Nothing!!!

Reality 2, I treated people sometimes growing up not very nice. I was a brat, I think mostly I was jealous of what they had...things like their Dad, no matter how cruddy he may have been, at least they had him. I wish I could just find everyone to make it right, or to mend what I can. And maybe they dont' remember me being so mean, or maybe I've just construed it in my mind as being mean...I don't know but I feel like I have some bridges that I need to patch and can't...It sucks to not be able to make things right.

Reality 3, I'm responsible for two lives besides my own, and oh I so don't want to screw them up! Now dont' get me wrong, I don't think I am a horrible Mom or anything, but sometimes the thought of being their mom, and being responsible for them growing up, learning to love the gospel and our Father in heaven as much as I do...even if I'm not that great at showing it...kinda freaks me out!

Reality 4, being fat sucks! I wasn't always fat, I used to swim and dive competetivly...haven't done that since I was 15 though..thanks to the crack head that ran into the car I was in. But as you have kids and then realize you can't eat like you did when you were burning more in a day then what you ate all together too late just well...it sucks. I want to make myself better, but for some reason as much as my heart desires it, my body either can't or won't cooperate with me.

Reality 5, in order to make all of these other realities something more then just life, I've got to get off my butt and do something...I've got to be more open about who I am and what I want out of life. I need to be honest with myself and the Lord, I need to pray more, exercise more, eat less, spend more quality time with my kids...and that doesn't mean veg on the couch after work. And I can and will be the person I want to be....

may 08

Keep Moving Forward!

One of the greatest words of inspiration from the great Walt Disney.  Though my kids are partial to "Mr. You are grounded til you die!" but any way...
That's the key to life, keep moving forward. No matter how easy it is to look back and say "dang, I could have done it better. faster, slower, with more heart etc."
Make life more then what you ever thought you wanted. I always had this nagging thought in the back of my head that maybe someday I'd want more...that I'd want a career, something else outside of being just a Mom. Now I say just a Mom, but we all know no one is JUST a Mom. But I also never thought I'd find complete fulfillment in those words...
James asked me what I was going to make of myself when I grew up, that I couldnt' be just a Mom. After some consideration on his part, he decided that it's ok for me to be just a Mom. He is such a bright little boy. He has wisdom far beyond his years. He teaches me more about life and loving every day.
I have been blessed with these two beautiful children, with lives and spirits that are just ready to burst from their tiny little bodies. They are truely my life's breath.
So though I feel sometimes I'm stuck in life, I just keep moving forward and trying not to look back. There is more I can do going forward then looking back. I can't change the pages that are already written but there is a whole book ahead that is waiting for the plot to unfold!

june 08

Time gets the best of us all...

Time gets the best of us all. We never see it flying by but only notice once it's gone.
James just had his 7th birthday. I totally feel like I just had the boy. I don't feel like I've been married nearly 8 years, and I certainally do not feel 27. I remember when 27 was soo old. Heck 25 was far far off. Now I am creaping up on my 30th birthday. I feel like I've accomplished so much, yet not accomplished much at the same time and have a world of things I want to do. My children are my life. My best friend stands by my side day in and day out, strengthening me, lifting me up and making me feel like he won the prize when he married me.  I have to say that he truely is the best man I could have ever hoped to be sealed to for time and eternity.
Time certainly has passed, I realized that my very truely best girl friend I've ever had in my whole life, that I hadn't talked to her in nearly 4 years. I thought of her often, hoped to be able to get in touch with her again but just hadn't been able to. Thanks to myspace I am able to talk to her again....

Have you ever had on person who you know that without them you wouldn't have made it to where you are now? She's one of those people. We got into trouble together, had fun together, were there for eachother, fought and loved eachother at the same time. She's the one sittin in the cell with me saying, dang that was fun wasn't it?  She helped me stay sane when my dad died, she helped me to know that I was worth something. While I didn't feel like I had alot as far as looks, personality, talents, you name it...she helped me see that I was certainly more then a waste of space. Because of her I was able to see past what the advasary would have me see. I was able to find the young woman that Heavenly Father intended me to be. I feel blessed to have her as my friend, and I am so glad that she was there for me that day when I moved into the Acworth ward 15 years ago. I don't know what I would have done or how I would have turned out had she not been there to be kind to me.

Time certainly gets the best of us all, don't wait until later to say what you want to say to those you love, you may never get the chance. But when time gives you a second chance, take that chance and run like the wind!