Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The Day Ansel was born and why I don't remember most of it.

Contractions actually started on the 8th of December but  nothing of report happened until the 11th. I have a history of contracting and effacing but not dilating. I figured either they would stop or not. The went on as normal, kids went to school, Brian got the house cleaned and so on. We finally decided to just go when a knock came at the door unexpectedly. James had told his friend and his friends Mom that I needed to go to the hospital but we didn't have anyone to watch him. She came over right after school and offered take James and Madilyne so Brian could take me. Reluctantly I agreed to go to the hospital. We let James go with his friend and called The Carter family to take Madilyne so she would have Emma to play with.

We got to Labor and Delivery, they checked me and strapped me to the monitors. I was 90% effaced 1cm dilated. The nurses were not hopeful for me getting to stay and having a baby, but they said if the contractions looked good I just might get lucky. So Brian updated the little board that they putin the room with nurses info etc since the nurses hadn't done it yet.
It amused me..the nurses also found it amusing so it got to stay that way.

I feel contractions more up high then down lower, I told them so yet they still insist on putting the monitor down low. For the first hour they only picked up 2 or 3 contractions. The nurses came in and asked if I was still feeling them because it looked like they had stopped. I told them yes and to move the monitor and they'd pick em up. I was given 20 more minutes and then I would be sent home.

I started to cry, not because I wanted to have him right then per sey, but I was so gosh danged darn tired. They called the midwife and told her I was hysterical, which so was not true, but she came right away t "talk me down". The nurses hadn't reported to her that I had been contracting for three days already, that I couldn't sleep, couldn't get comfortable and was just tired. To top it all off I had the tail end of a cough/cold lingering.  After talking to her things seemed to jump into place.

The midwife asked me to go the 20 min on the monitor and let her talk to the on call OB to see what they would do. I tried to relax and meditate just to try not to freak out when they told me that I was going to go home.

Either I was super at my meditation or that was a really quick 20 min =o) . When the midwife came back in, she said " We worry about an overly tired mom, and after contracting for three days you have to be more then uncomfortable. You are contracting right now every 5 min. But still only 1cm dilated -4 maybe -3 station so we have to ask ourselves is this active labor or not?  Given your history of not dilating past 2cm and no baby progression past -3 station even after 30 hrs of labor and broken water etc we think you might be there. BUT then we look at how far along you are, at only 38wks 2 days, if we jump to doing the c-section and his lungs aren't ready."

So during all  this talking I am thinking ok well so we go home but I am so not taking breathene or anything but phenergren because that breathene sucks. The midwifes next words almost knocked me over...

She said "So you are going to have a baby tonight, in about an hour."

I was so flippin excited! it went so fast from that point. Brian got changed, I drank the nasty acid reducer stuff, prepped my belly and off to the OR we went. Then we realized we were so doubtful we'd be having a baby we didn't have our camera, video camera, bag NOTHING. Oh well it's probly good that we didn't because we were never prepared for what happened next.

I went into the OR without Brian so they could do my spinal block. It's usually just a matter of minutes from that point to hearing  the sweetest cry a Mom will ever hear. Spinal done, husband at my head, the last thing before the first cut is the time out. They ask me my name, what surgery I am having, and then they check that I am good and numb before cutting. The other two times they used the clamping pincher thingys to check they pinch the crap out of you, if you don't feel it it's a go. If you do it's a no go. This time they used some cold foam stuff? I thought I could feel it on the left side.

I told the anesthesiologist and he shrugged it off. Convinced I just needed another minute, he told the doctor to go ahead and start. She began her cut right to left. I felt the normal tugging pulling all normal feelings. The dr crossed mid line to the left side and immediately I felt a little zing. I said, "hey i can feel that I think" . The anesthesiologist ignored it. As the dr cut deeper I felt more and more. The anesthesiologist told me I wasn't feeling pain, it was just normal pressure and tugging. Spinal blocks " DO NOT FAIL" but every time the Dr cut I cried out in pain. Brian was worried, I just cried and screamed. The anesthesiologist kept telling me it's all normal. I know he had to be having an oh crap moment... the dr said it was just another min and she kept saying sorry. I hear them say "ok dad come with us", an arm reaching across me to my IV  and that's all I remember.

I don't know how long it was from first cut to Ansel being born, it seemed like forever, and the worst part...I don't remember hearing his cry. I don't remember them showing him to me, though Brian said it did happen. The moment I was so excited about and it was gone. Just. Like. that.

The next thing I remember is the sweet midwife telling me that we were all done and they'd take me to the recovery room where Brian and Ansel were. Brian thankfully had taken some pictures for me while they were cleaning him up etc.

When I got to the room I was groggy but I saw Brian and he was holding my sweet baby boy and relief washed over me. Then I saw our dear friend Miss Donna and I got a little confused. To my knowledge we hadn't even called Mom to let her know yet. Brian brought Ansel over for me to see him, he took off his hat and a nurse flipped out on him. I was all , um this is my kid and we'll do what we want, in my head. The other nurse told Brian it was fine just keep him away from the vent. So we now have Nurse Nice and Nurse Weener. Nurse nice checked Ansel out while Brian was holding him for me, I was still too scared to hold him because I was so groggy. Nurse Nice calmly told me that Ansel really needed to nurse and any time I was ready he was. Nurse Weener then hits me with a 10 ton blow. She said "it's been over 3 hours since he was born, I don't care when you are ready. He needs to nurse in the next 5 minutes or I am giving him a bottle." 

I was made to feel like I was being selfish and uncaring. I couldn't even sit up but here I was being told it didn't matter what I needed he needed to nurse NOW or she was going to feed him for me. But wait?!?! 3 hrs? What? Where the heck did all the time go?  My other two weren't even done getting checked out before the Dr's had me all closed up. We were talking like 30ish min or so before I got to recovery and got to nurse. I don't know what happen, I don't know why it took so long after he was born. What I do know is my husband was so scared he called someone to come and be with him and Ansel just in case. He knew I was VERY clear..Ansel was NEVER to be out of his sight. That has always been our deal. No matter what he stayed with the baby. I have read, heard, or watched tv movies about babies being stolen from the hospital and it wasn't going to happen to us.

 I wanted so badly for us to be able to have that bond of nursing. My picture of that first special moment did NOT include other people facilitating that moment for me. Someone else held him, he nursed, they moved us and the rest of that night is hazy.  In and out of a fog is what I did all that first night.

I wished I remembered more, I don't know what exactly happen, why the spinal block was insufficient, and I guess I need to go get the surgical records to find out. I do wonder how often it happens and what can be done to avoid it ever happening again should I have another baby. I really am sad that I don't have this great story for the first night of his life, but these past 3 years have been amazing raising him. It's definitely worth every bit of trial I went through to bring my sweet boy into this world.

Monday, December 10, 2012

reflections of Ansel

Today my baby turns 3. Happy birthday handsome. I cant believe how fast that went.