Sunday, March 28, 2010

now that all my randomness is in one place.....

i am now 29. i've got one ore year til the big 3-0. i am ok with that...really i am. i thought it was going to be this big huge deal where i'd have a melt down and well i just won't. I have my kids, my husband, and the rest of my family and life truly is good. Sure some things might be hard but...we'll survive. Hevenly Father will not let us down. He will not forsake us and for that I take comfort.

I know that for all I do I will be blessed. I have brilliant children, a beautiful daughter, lovinghusband and two fantastically handsome sons. I have a roof over my head and as much as I may hate it there a job that pays more then minimum wage!

Now I have aspirations and places to be things to do and all that jazz but for now I am OK with how life is going.

aug 07

When you have kids, whining, crying, screaming at different intervals in the day sometimes you just want to cry. Then you suck it all up, threaten to beat them if they don't stop. Kiss them hug them and remind yourself this too shall pass!

I had to actually threaten James if he wasn't polite and kind to his teacher when we went to meet her yesterday! I told him he'd loose the xbox...ah the power of video games! Once he got over his attitude he actually really liked her, not so much for the reasons we do, but he does like her. He likes that he has his own desk with his own books etc....I love her already because she has a plan to keep him challenged! Multiplication work sheets, extra reading projects excited!

sept 07 when i hated public school

If I could, I would start my own school system. For some strange reason, today's school system believes that no recess is a good idea, and that 15 min of TDPE(teacher directed PE) is all a squirmy, wormy, fun loving child needs n a 7 hr day to keep themselves under control.

No wonder today's society is full of ADD/ADHD, Obese, Bi-Polar, and depressed couch potatoes!

Not only does the school pretend to care, they look down on you when you actually DO care! If you voice your opinions differently then what they'd expect of you, you are suddenly the trouble maker, or uncaring, unconcerned parent.

School administrators today believe that all children should do is listen, follow directions, stay with the group, sitting in desks for 7 hrs a day, with only a 15min break in the day. They wonder why children can't sit still. Why they want to roll on the classroom floor with bean bags over themselves, go to sleep during story time, and why it is that the nation is suddenly over flowing with kids addicted to TV, ho-ho's, and  video games. Instead of the children that I remember being! Staying outside to play until it was too dark to see, or your mom called you in because it was getting dark.

When parents had to set rules of when it was time to come in, now we do all we can to get them to go outside!

Yet in many states recess is gone, TDPE for 15 min a day seems acceptable, and medicating the crud out of every child that can't sit still for 7hrs aday is the norm. I wish that I could change the world for my kids' sake.

jan 08

Yesterday I realized that reality isn't always what it's cracked up to be...

Reality 1, I am 26 years old and have done nothing and everything already!- I am an accomplished Wife and Mother, my whole lifes goal was to become a wife and mother. I got married at 19 to the most amazing man I know, he is patient, king, caring, and picks up where I lack.I had my first child when I was 20, the second just after I turned 23. Leaving my lifes dreamed mostly fulfilled, would love to fill my life with more children, but for now that will have to wait. I love being a mom, I love being a wife. I feel so blessed that I was lead to such a wonderful eternal partner and was trusted to raise two such fantastic kids until they make it back to our Father in Heaven.....Everything!!!

I haven't given any thought to school, not since getting out of highschool I've had only 4 jobs outside of being a Mom. Loved and hated them all. The one that brings me the most gratitude is our photography. It's hard to pull that off and work full time as well...Maybe I can get it off the ground enough again that I can return home and work full time on that. I feel like a part of me though wants to go to school, but I think I'm mostly afraid of failure, of not being able to hack it, with me being married and a mom...Nothing!!!

Reality 2, I treated people sometimes growing up not very nice. I was a brat, I think mostly I was jealous of what they had...things like their Dad, no matter how cruddy he may have been, at least they had him. I wish I could just find everyone to make it right, or to mend what I can. And maybe they dont' remember me being so mean, or maybe I've just construed it in my mind as being mean...I don't know but I feel like I have some bridges that I need to patch and can't...It sucks to not be able to make things right.

Reality 3, I'm responsible for two lives besides my own, and oh I so don't want to screw them up! Now dont' get me wrong, I don't think I am a horrible Mom or anything, but sometimes the thought of being their mom, and being responsible for them growing up, learning to love the gospel and our Father in heaven as much as I do...even if I'm not that great at showing it...kinda freaks me out!

Reality 4, being fat sucks! I wasn't always fat, I used to swim and dive competetivly...haven't done that since I was 15 though..thanks to the crack head that ran into the car I was in. But as you have kids and then realize you can't eat like you did when you were burning more in a day then what you ate all together too late just sucks. I want to make myself better, but for some reason as much as my heart desires it, my body either can't or won't cooperate with me.

Reality 5, in order to make all of these other realities something more then just life, I've got to get off my butt and do something...I've got to be more open about who I am and what I want out of life. I need to be honest with myself and the Lord, I need to pray more, exercise more, eat less, spend more quality time with my kids...and that doesn't mean veg on the couch after work. And I can and will be the person I want to be....

may 08

One of the greatest words of inspiration from the great Walt Disney.  Though my kids are partial to "Mr. You are grounded til you die!" but any way...
That's the key to life, keep moving forward. No matter how easy it is to look back and say "dang, I could have done it better. faster, slower, with more heart etc."
Make life more then what you ever thought you wanted. I always had this nagging thought in the back of my head that maybe someday I'd want more...that I'd want a career, something else outside of being just a Mom. Now I say just a Mom, but we all know no one is JUST a Mom. But I also never thought I'd find complete fulfillment in those words...
James asked me what I was going to make of myself when I grew up, that I couldnt' be just a Mom. After some consideration on his part, he decided that it's ok for me to be just a Mom. He is such a bright little boy. He has wisdom far beyond his years. He teaches me more about life and loving every day.
I have been blessed with these two beautiful children, with lives and spirits that are just ready to burst from their tiny little bodies. They are truely my life's breath.
So though I feel sometimes I'm stuck in life, I just keep moving forward and trying not to look back. There is more I can do going forward then looking back. I can't change the pages that are already written but there is a whole book ahead that is waiting for the plot to unfold!

june 08

Time gets the best of us all. We never see it flying by but only notice once it's gone.
James just had his 7th birthday. I totally feel like I just had the boy. I don't feel like I've been married nearly 8 years, and I certainally do not feel 27. I remember when 27 was soo old. Heck 25 was far far off. Now I am creaping up on my 30th birthday. I feel like I've accomplished so much, yet not accomplished much at the same time and have a world of things I want to do. My children are my life. My best friend stands by my side day in and day out, strengthening me, lifting me up and making me feel like he won the prize when he married me.  I have to say that he truely is the best man I could have ever hoped to be sealed to for time and eternity.
Time certainly has passed, I realized that my very truely best girl friend I've ever had in my whole life, that I hadn't talked to her in nearly 4 years. I thought of her often, hoped to be able to get in touch with her again but just hadn't been able to. Thanks to myspace I am able to talk to her again....

Have you ever had on person who you know that without them you wouldn't have made it to where you are now? She's one of those people. We got into trouble together, had fun together, were there for eachother, fought and loved eachother at the same time. She's the one sittin in the cell with me saying, dang that was fun wasn't it?  She helped me stay sane when my dad died, she helped me to know that I was worth something. While I didn't feel like I had alot as far as looks, personality, talents, you name it...she helped me see that I was certainly more then a waste of space. Because of her I was able to see past what the advasary would have me see. I was able to find the young woman that Heavenly Father intended me to be. I feel blessed to have her as my friend, and I am so glad that she was there for me that day when I moved into the Acworth ward 15 years ago. I don't know what I would have done or how I would have turned out had she not been there to be kind to me.

Time certainly gets the best of us all, don't wait until later to say what you want to say to those you love, you may never get the chance. But when time gives you a second chance, take that chance and run like the wind!

from my other blog date aug 08

Some times I wish that I could take all of my days, and just draw them out. I desperatly want to go back to the time when all I had to do was plan a day of fun for me and my little ones. Now I have to worry about what they are watching, saying, doing, and being while I am gone 10 hrs a day.

Change is good, growing is good, I just can't say getting older is so good! I am so proud of James, he's super smart, vibrant, sassy, confident, and on most days well adjusted. It's just those few days where he isn't all of those things, those days wear me thin.

Madilyne, boy she is shooting up like a weed and with that comes all the attitude a princess would have. I can see she is flourishing, soaking up all life is bringing to her. And suddenly my baby isn't so much a baby any more...

I am getting ready to start another busy busy school year. Though this year is going to be much more difficult. School starts on the 13th, it has just dawned on me that I have a 7 year old doing the school work of a 9-10 year old. How did I get kids that are so smart. Madilyne is excited about math, reading and writing. I have a feeling she is going to be reading before Kindergarden officially starts...This school year though brings new challenges, I am working a 4day work week now, so I'm gone 10 hrs a day, I am still trying to figure out how that is going to work, but some how it just has to. The other challenge is the love of my life is going to be gone for the school year.

 I will for the first time since I was 19, not have the love of my life with me, I've not gone a day without him for nearly 9 years. My partner, the father of my kids, the one who is always there to back me up. He has made the decision to go into the Army reserves, which for that I am super proud of him, he will get schooling, training, and then there is the crazy notion of being prepared to protect our country....

We are buying our first house, that's exciting, but also I'll spend nearly a year in it without Brian. I am not sure the effect it will have on our family dynamic, but it's a much needed change. Without this, we would be stuck with me working outside the home forever. This is not a desire of ours. I never aspired to be a career woman, I always only wanted to be the best wife and Mom I could be.

Brian will be able to get the education he needs inorder to make changes in his career to support our family on just his income. It's been a long time coming, but a change that is going to bring many many challenges before everything is better. That makes me scared...

Just another night of my random thoughts, I don't always keep everything well defined, but it helps me feel better, so if you made any sense of my blathering..thanks for reading!