Sunday, March 28, 2010

jan 08

Yesterday I realized that reality isn't always what it's cracked up to be...

Reality 1, I am 26 years old and have done nothing and everything already!- I am an accomplished Wife and Mother, my whole lifes goal was to become a wife and mother. I got married at 19 to the most amazing man I know, he is patient, king, caring, and picks up where I lack.I had my first child when I was 20, the second just after I turned 23. Leaving my lifes dreamed mostly fulfilled, would love to fill my life with more children, but for now that will have to wait. I love being a mom, I love being a wife. I feel so blessed that I was lead to such a wonderful eternal partner and was trusted to raise two such fantastic kids until they make it back to our Father in Heaven.....Everything!!!

I haven't given any thought to school, not since getting out of highschool I've had only 4 jobs outside of being a Mom. Loved and hated them all. The one that brings me the most gratitude is our photography. It's hard to pull that off and work full time as well...Maybe I can get it off the ground enough again that I can return home and work full time on that. I feel like a part of me though wants to go to school, but I think I'm mostly afraid of failure, of not being able to hack it, with me being married and a mom...Nothing!!!

Reality 2, I treated people sometimes growing up not very nice. I was a brat, I think mostly I was jealous of what they had...things like their Dad, no matter how cruddy he may have been, at least they had him. I wish I could just find everyone to make it right, or to mend what I can. And maybe they dont' remember me being so mean, or maybe I've just construed it in my mind as being mean...I don't know but I feel like I have some bridges that I need to patch and can't...It sucks to not be able to make things right.

Reality 3, I'm responsible for two lives besides my own, and oh I so don't want to screw them up! Now dont' get me wrong, I don't think I am a horrible Mom or anything, but sometimes the thought of being their mom, and being responsible for them growing up, learning to love the gospel and our Father in heaven as much as I do...even if I'm not that great at showing it...kinda freaks me out!

Reality 4, being fat sucks! I wasn't always fat, I used to swim and dive competetivly...haven't done that since I was 15 though..thanks to the crack head that ran into the car I was in. But as you have kids and then realize you can't eat like you did when you were burning more in a day then what you ate all together too late just sucks. I want to make myself better, but for some reason as much as my heart desires it, my body either can't or won't cooperate with me.

Reality 5, in order to make all of these other realities something more then just life, I've got to get off my butt and do something...I've got to be more open about who I am and what I want out of life. I need to be honest with myself and the Lord, I need to pray more, exercise more, eat less, spend more quality time with my kids...and that doesn't mean veg on the couch after work. And I can and will be the person I want to be....

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