Sunday, November 11, 2012

I woke up and I could feel my hands.....

 I rolled over in bed to find my sweet little Ansel had sneaked into my bed in the night. I reached up to stroke his angelic sleeping face, suddenly I realized I could feel it! I squealed with joy, ran to my other two kids and just stroked their hair, their faces. I couldn't get enough.  It was the single most happy day since may...

Then I woke up.

When I became a mom, I learned to cherish those sweet stolen moments of caressing my kids face, stroking their hair, holding their hands all those moments that give you that feeling of awe. That feeling of extreme gratitude and wonder at how you made this little person and there they were in all their glory.

You never realize what little things you cherish until they are gone. The ability to do these simple things I took for granted.

There are the normal everyday things you get frustrated over, personal hygene, getting dressed, opening bottles, getting some tylenol for a headache. You suddenly realize you need someone there to help. Brushing the hair of your wife can quickly be put on the back burner when there is laundry, dishes, vacuuming  and little potty training bottoms to wipe. You adjust, learn to manage. Cut your hair, avoid buttons and zippers even if it means wearing PJ's a lot, use your teeth, get your kids to help etc. You aren't prepared to have to adjust but you do. But what happens when you loose something that you can't find a substitute for?

No warning came, no rule book or manual. Emotions go crazy, everything you knew suddenly isn't any more. Parts of your life are gone and the rest completely different. You get twisted and turned around and inside out. On top of everything else my heart has been ripped out. Those special moments were ripped from me.

I don't know how to find a substitute for the loss of that feeling. The connection that I felt when I got to steal those little moments with my children. We still snuggle, giggle, and play. There is just something about those moments I would eat up and I am starving for them.

Cherish all the little things in life, savor them knowing that each time could be your last. You never know when those things will get ripped from you. I may get those  moments back...but then again I may not. I know I can always dream about them, but no matter how vivid that dream is, it's just not the same.

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