Wednesday, March 06, 2013


1.sad and gloomy; dejected; downcast.
2.pressed down, or situated lower than the general surface.
3.lowered in force, amount, etc.
4.undergoing economic hardship, especially poverty and unemployment.
5.being or measured below the standard or norm.
While the dictionary says depressed is an adjective, I am calling this nasty thing a noun. It is a person, place, and thing all rolled into one. I have become this noun every once in a while and I fight it ever so vigorously.  I don't want to be THAT girl. You know the one who was diagnosed with a medical condition that while isn't terminal or life threatening it sure as heck is life altering, thus life is over girl.
 The neuropathy is not worse but it certainly isn't better. I go to bed in pain, wake up in pain, and depending on the degree usually end up with severe pain mid day.  There is medicine that might work better for the neuropathy but it's expensive so I can't try it. I don't have medical insurance so there are tests I've not had, medicine I can't get, and OT and PT I can't do because of it. My Dr. won't prescribe or even try something I can't afford, he said that would be like torture. Brian got a new job so maybe soon when the insurance kicks in I might be able to find some sort of relief.

I was taking this medicine, it's an old school anti-depressant. It helped a little but not a whole lot. The dr upped the dosage but all the medicine really succeeded in doing is making me numb. Emotionally numb that is. I couldn't feel anything emotionally. I had highs that should have been grand but I just didn't feel them. I didn't feel the lows either. I guess not feeling the lows was ok-ish. I stopped taking that medicine. The effects didn't out weigh the benefits. I didn't like not feeling emotions. Brian said that it wasn't pleasant to deal with me on them, and I was markedly different. 

When I stopped those meds everything felt on fire from the shoulders down. That was a 24hr sensation for about two months. I am now starting to be out of that constant on fire feeling. There are days when I am more stressed that it comes back with a vengeance. Those days I don't do much. I don't want to just wander emotionless through life, so this was a necessary step.

I still get depressed, and I feel it. I have plans to make, things to organize, and a life with an amazing husband and three deliciously brilliant and adorable kids to live. I won't sacrifice feeling those happy emotions to not feel the bad ones, or to not feel the physical pain.
With all those ramblings I leave you with this...
 Dust settle down, cob webs go to sleep, I'm rocking my babies and babies don't keep.


thatmoxiegirl said...

That last quote was beautiful. I'm sorry you've been in this medically induced depression. I spent a good portion on college in one of those from different medication, but the same emotional effect. Everything is meh. It too so long for it to wear off and to feel like myself again, so welcome back, Kotter!

Have you seen the movie What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams? It is so beautiful and a tear jersey, but the movie illustrates depression too.

Heather Humecky said...

I LOVE what dreams may come. That movie released shortly after My dad passed away and it touched closer to home more then any other movie ever.