The African Tribe

There is a tribe in Africa where the birth date of a child is counted not from when they were born, nor from when they are conceived but from the day that the child was a thought in its mother’s mind. And when a woman decides that she will have a child, she goes off and sits under a tree, by herself, and she listens until she can hear the song of the child that wants to come. And after she’s heard the song of this child, she comes back to the man who will be the child’s father, and teaches it to him. And then, when they make love to physically conceive the child, some of that time they sing the song of the child, as a way to invite it.

And then, when the mother is pregnant, the mother teaches that child’s song to the midwives and the old women of the village, so that when the child is born, the old women and the people around her sing the child’s song to welcome it. And then, as the child grows up, the other villagers are taught the child’s song. If the child falls, or hurts its knee, someone picks it up and sings its song to it. Or perhaps the child does something wonderful, or goes through the rites of puberty, then as a way of honoring this person, the people of the village sing his or her song.

In the African tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them.

The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another.

And it goes this way through their life. In marriage, the songs are sung, together. And finally, when this child is lying in bed, ready to die, all the villagers know his or her song, and they sing—for the last time—the song to that person.

So as parents not a member of this particular tribe, I struggle when I have to punish my kids. I ask my self often when my kids do wrong how do I respond? Well it has depended on the offense most times. In my house hitting seems to be quite often the offense, I don't do hitting. I especially don't do boys hitting girls. EVER, my boys are to love and respect women and that love and respect starts with their sister. There is bickering, there is disobedience and those are usually dealt with with time outs and extra chores depending on how old you are.  

I have yelled too much, I have spanked, I have resorted to punishments that I have never thought I'd ever do. I am human. I am over worked, under paid, and stretched thin when it comes to this mothering business. I love my children with all my heart and there are some days I want to take a mommy break but in the end I wouldn't change my life for all the world. Still there are times I struggle KNOWING that I've made and are making the right decisions when it comes to molding my children into the people they need to become.

I have most recently had to deal with an incident with my oldest that I never dreamed I'd face.  I found myself furious, hurt, scared, and then all I wanted to do was wrap him in love. I didn't want to punish him; no thoughts of grounding, details, sentences, or any other sort of our typical punishments for wrong doing came to mind. I just wanted him to know he was loved. I wanted him to feel safe, secure, and to feel his most magnificent self worth. I wanted him to feel his Heavenly Fathers love as well. I needed him to know that no matter the wrong doing he still had worth, and even still his worth was more precious and costly then any gem or gold in the world. 

This response triggered some deep thoughts on my worth and my place in this world. The first was that I really didn't know what I was doing but by darned I sure was trying my hardest to help my little ones turn into pretty spectacular big people. That as human as I am, even my self worth as a person, daughter, and mother were equal to my own children. I wasn't worth more or less and that in our Heavenly Fathers eyes we are all his children and worth every effort that He has put into us. I KNEW my children were worth every piece of my heart and soul I poured into them. What I was having trouble feeling, was that I was worth every piece that MY parents and Heavenly Father had put into me. 

So while I try to repair my skewed view on my own self worth, I'd encourage everyone to find peace. KNOW that you are worth every bit of heart and soul that were poured into you. If no one else, your Heavenly Father sees your worth and He pours every piece of his divine work into you because you ARE worth it. Especially when we make mistakes. 

I wish our society could adopt some features of that African tribe, that during crucial life experiences and transitions, we are shown more love then disappointment.  You know though when you are in tune with who you are supposed to be and when you are not. When you are feeling on top of the world, you are more closely in tune with who you are supposed to be, when you are feeling awful then you are not. 

Sing your song, keep singing it even if it's out of tune in parts...A great musician recognizes when they are out of tune and makes adjustments to be in tune by the end of the song.





 

General Conference and making the boy blog

I love getting to hear the general authorities  speak. I love that we have opportunity to listen to the prophet and apostles speak to us, delivering messages to use for us in our time. So we listen/watch at home. I love that I can listen, ponder while I take notes, write etc.  I am grateful for my Heavenly Father, for the messages from our church leaders, and for the blessings brought to my life because of it.

In other news, I make the oldest boy design a blog template. He's been reading a CSS book that his Dad gave him. I am having him use that information and design a blog template and write on a blog.

He's irritated that I am making him work on something towards a specific goal. He is so smart but direction following is sometimes hard for him. This has proven to be quite interesting in the teaching aspects. He gets frustrated ..is it wrong that I giggle because he's so frustrated?

Once he has something decent I will post an address so you can follow his progress if you'd like.


 

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Deffinitions...

Depressed
adjective

1.sad and gloomy; dejected; downcast.

2.pressed down, or situated lower than the general surface.

3.lowered in force, amount, etc.

4.undergoing economic hardship, especially poverty and unemployment.

5.being or measured below the standard or norm.

While the dictionary says depressed is an adjective, I am calling this nasty thing a noun. It is a person, place, and thing all rolled into one. I have become this noun every once in a while and I fight it ever so vigorously.  I don't want to be THAT girl. You know the one who was diagnosed with a medical condition that while isn't terminal or life threatening it sure as heck is life altering, thus life is over girl.

 The neuropathy is not worse but it certainly isn't better. I go to bed in pain, wake up in pain, and depending on the degree usually end up with severe pain mid day.  There is medicine that might work better for the neuropathy but it's expensive so I can't try it. I don't have medical insurance so there are tests I've not had, medicine I can't get, and OT and PT I can't do because of it. My Dr. won't prescribe or even try something I can't afford, he said that would be like torture. Brian got a new job so maybe soon when the insurance kicks in I might be able to find some sort of relief.

I was taking this medicine, it's an old school anti-depressant. It helped a little but not a whole lot. The dr upped the dosage but all the medicine really succeeded in doing is making me numb. Emotionally numb that is. I couldn't feel anything emotionally. I had highs that should have been grand but I just didn't feel them. I didn't feel the lows either. I guess not feeling the lows was ok-ish. I stopped taking that medicine. The effects didn't out weigh the benefits. I didn't like not feeling emotions. Brian said that it wasn't pleasant to deal with me on them, and I was markedly different. 

When I stopped those meds everything felt on fire from the shoulders down. That was a 24hr sensation for about two months. I am now starting to be out of that constant on fire feeling. There are days when I am more stressed that it comes back with a vengeance. Those days I don't do much. I don't want to just wander emotionless through life, so this was a necessary step.

I still get depressed, and I feel it. I have plans to make, things to organize, and a life with an amazing husband and three deliciously brilliant and adorable kids to live. I won't sacrifice feeling those happy emotions to not feel the bad ones, or to not feel the physical pain.

With all those ramblings I leave you with this...

 Dust settle down, cob webs go to sleep, I'm rocking my babies and babies don't keep.

Everybody hurts...sometime

I hold this in most of the time. Today I just don't feel like it, so today I will blog about it. 

 From dictionary.com- Family (n)

1.a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not: the traditional family.

2.a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for: a single-parent family. 

3.the children of one person or one couple collectively: We want a large family.

4.the spouse and children of one person: We're taking the family on vacation next week. 

5.any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins: to marry into a socially prominent family. 

6.all those persons considered as descendants of a common progenitor. 

I don't know what causes one to deepen or change what the dictionary meaning of a word is. I don't know why I had invested such meaning into the word, but I just did.

What I thought Family meant: 

Family was a group of related beings(brothers, sisters, mom, dad, aunts, uncles,and cousins) that were there and reliable, loving, caring, and if you could count on no one else, you could count on your family. 

What I have come to find it can mean: 

People who don't talk to one another unless they need or want something. Back biting and trashing of those who aren't there to defend themselves. Judgmental pow-wow's about what they think someone is going through. Hurtful comments made to one member about another. Showing more care for unrelated people then your own family. 

But I also know that family doesn't have to be related. Some of the most amazing "family" I can count on are not related to me by blood AT ALL. It can mean people who care about you even though you are separated by many miles and only can connect via internet and phone, A home and visiting teacher who were once assigned to care that turn into ones who genuinely care and you can turn to for anything, A "friend" who you've met online and never in person but they are the first to ask what they can do to help. 

When I got sick, I never thought that it would be those friends who are family checking on me, caring for me, caring about my kids and husband. I never thought that my own flesh and blood family wouldn't do those things. I never thought I'd meet such opposition or distrust or judgmental attitudes from them either. I struggle daily. I know I am not perfect, I know I have faults. But I also know that I have feelings that are hurt because instead of talking to me I have family who talks amongst themselves to decide how bad off I am. Instead of trying to understand what's happening with me, they compare me to every "other person with MS they know".

 MS effects each person differently, it can damaged any one of the many nerves in your body to any degree. There is no typical or standard. I wish I could be like one of those every other people with MS that it doesn't grossly effect their lives. But up until I was diagnosed, I only knew one person with MS, and I am so beyond grateful that my MS isn't to that extent. 

 I pray that with time it will get better. I pray that the nerve damage heals more, that I learn to cope with my disabilities better. I pray that I get to feel the way I did before. I pray that I have good days and that I will remember to be thankful for them. I pray that I can learn to forgive those who have hurt me, as well that those who I have hurt will forgive me. I am thankful for those friends who have become family to me in the way I'd expect family to be. I am thankful for my real family too, I just wish that I things could be different. Maybe in time this too shall pass but until then, I hurt, and some of that hurt is deeper then others. 

The emotional hurt sometimes is worse then the physical.

Love is in the air...

Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.  ~Author Unknown

 Love is a  grand thing. Love can span any distance known to man, it can break down walls that otherwise would be rock solid, it can turn men into a puddle of mushy goo, and turn tears into laughter. Love is just a beautiful thing. 

Love also comes in all shapes, sizes, and flavors. You love your kids, but not the same way you love your spouse or significant other. You love your friends, but not the same way you love your mother.

A hallmark holiday or not, I love love, and I LOVE valentines day.

There is more yet to come..

First off, RELAX and don't get too excited...There is indeed more yet to come for us and our Humlettes.

 Rest easy it's not happening any time soon. I have had this argument with myself, my mother about having more kids. I ultimately would like at least one more. My Mom flipped her lid because in her mind I can't have any more kids because I have MS. I have had to remind her that I have had MS my whole life, I was only just diagnosed with it.

When I went to my follow up with my neurologist this past week we discussed this issue. Not because I am chomping at the bit to have more kids right now, but because he was considering changing my medicines. I get large welts after every injection. The welts last for two to three days and I get a bout a two to three day reprieve before I have to start all over.

This was about 20 minutes after the injection, it's the size of an egg. By the next day it will expand to the size of a baseball about and be sore, then turn a purplish color.

So Dr. Pitts asked if we planned on having more kids. First I was kinda shocked that he asked (because I felt like MS had taken that too), but I put out a non-committal answer of "Well we'd like to have more but we don't know where that will go."  He was asking because while the oral med doesn't have the skin reaction side effects, it is contra indicative to women of childbearing years if they plan on having more children. Copaxone is considered a category B drug, one that isn't tested on pregnant women but in lab tests for animals it doesn't effect their young. The pregnancy registry turned up no adverse effects. He said it's possible and certainly ok if we want more kids it just takes some planning. Stopping meds etc. Since I do not get pregnant easily, he wants me to keep taking it until I find out I am pregnant and then stop until I have consulted with a maternal fetal specialist.

Now I have the ok to have a baby, I do not feel my family is complete, but I also do not feel like right this second is the time to try to have another baby. We have plans that we hope to know about shortly and then we can talk about our family.

 The biggest thing for me is that the one thing that really means the world to me are my children and being a mother. I felt like MS has taken so much from me, that having more kids was going to be one more thing gone. Now I know..

There is more yet to come!

Blessed

I was given so many blessings this year, I felt the need to write them all down.

We have a home, Brian has a job, I have healthy children. I could go on about all the "normal" things one is grateful for but that would be boring. I want to share my gratitude a little deeper.

To start, I am grateful for my family, not just my children and my husband. I am grateful for my WHOLE family. Mom, Dad, Brothers, Sisters, Aunts, Uncles , Grandparents...EVERY single one of them. Being the youngest of 8 really has been an adventure. We have had trials, triumphs, failures, arguments, disagreements all the normal sibling stuff. I have prayed for each one of them every day. Some have needed more prayers then others at times. Each one of them holds a very special place in my heart.

I am thankful for our trials, not because I am some masochist or anything. I am grateful for them because it shows me that when I am at my deepest darkest hour, I have a Heavenly Father who cares enough, and loves me enough to send support. Without those trials I am not sure I would recognize these things as easily.

I am thankful for my friends, I don't have a lot of "real life" friends. I have a handful of friends whom I have never met in person, but I consider them some of the best friends I have. Whether they are the friends I have met in person or the ones I have met online, they are all sent to me to help me through these trials.

It has taken me just shy of two weeks to put these words down, I have done a lot of contemplating and planning and I really am feeling like I have a direction to point myself into. For these things

I AM BLESSED

The Day Ansel was born and why I don't remember most of it.

Contractions actually started on the 8th of December but  nothing of report happened until the 11th. I have a history of contracting and effacing but not dilating. I figured either they would stop or not. The went on as normal, kids went to school, Brian got the house cleaned and so on. We finally decided to just go when a knock came at the door unexpectedly. James had told his friend and his friends Mom that I needed to go to the hospital but we didn't have anyone to watch him. She came over right after school and offered take James and Madilyne so Brian could take me. Reluctantly I agreed to go to the hospital. We let James go with his friend and called The Carter family to take Madilyne so she would have Emma to play with.

We got to Labor and Delivery, they checked me and strapped me to the monitors. I was 90% effaced 1cm dilated. The nurses were not hopeful for me getting to stay and having a baby, but they said if the contractions looked good I just might get lucky. So Brian updated the little board that they putin the room with nurses info etc since the nurses hadn't done it yet.

It amused me..the nurses also found it amusing so it got to stay that way.

I feel contractions more up high then down lower, I told them so yet they still insist on putting the monitor down low. For the first hour they only picked up 2 or 3 contractions. The nurses came in and asked if I was still feeling them because it looked like they had stopped. I told them yes and to move the monitor and they'd pick em up. I was given 20 more minutes and then I would be sent home.

I started to cry, not because I wanted to have him right then per sey, but I was so gosh danged darn tired. They called the midwife and told her I was hysterical, which so was not true, but she came right away t "talk me down". The nurses hadn't reported to her that I had been contracting for three days already, that I couldn't sleep, couldn't get comfortable and was just tired. To top it all off I had the tail end of a cough/cold lingering.  After talking to her things seemed to jump into place.

The midwife asked me to go the 20 min on the monitor and let her talk to the on call OB to see what they would do. I tried to relax and meditate just to try not to freak out when they told me that I was going to go home.

Either I was super at my meditation or that was a really quick 20 min =o) . When the midwife came back in, she said " We worry about an overly tired mom, and after contracting for three days you have to be more then uncomfortable. You are contracting right now every 5 min. But still only 1cm dilated -4 maybe -3 station so we have to ask ourselves is this active labor or not?  Given your history of not dilating past 2cm and no baby progression past -3 station even after 30 hrs of labor and broken water etc we think you might be there. BUT then we look at how far along you are, at only 38wks 2 days, if we jump to doing the c-section and his lungs aren't ready."

So during all  this talking I am thinking ok well so we go home but I am so not taking breathene or anything but phenergren because that breathene sucks. The midwifes next words almost knocked me over...

She said "So you are going to have a baby tonight, in about an hour."

I was so flippin excited! it went so fast from that point. Brian got changed, I drank the nasty acid reducer stuff, prepped my belly and off to the OR we went. Then we realized we were so doubtful we'd be having a baby we didn't have our camera, video camera, bag NOTHING. Oh well it's probly good that we didn't because we were never prepared for what happened next.

I went into the OR without Brian so they could do my spinal block. It's usually just a matter of minutes from that point to hearing  the sweetest cry a Mom will ever hear. Spinal done, husband at my head, the last thing before the first cut is the time out. They ask me my name, what surgery I am having, and then they check that I am good and numb before cutting. The other two times they used the clamping pincher thingys to check they pinch the crap out of you, if you don't feel it it's a go. If you do it's a no go. This time they used some cold foam stuff? I thought I could feel it on the left side.

I told the anesthesiologist and he shrugged it off. Convinced I just needed another minute, he told the doctor to go ahead and start. She began her cut right to left. I felt the normal tugging pulling all normal feelings. The dr crossed mid line to the left side and immediately I felt a little zing. I said, "hey i can feel that I think" . The anesthesiologist ignored it. As the dr cut deeper I felt more and more. The anesthesiologist told me I wasn't feeling pain, it was just normal pressure and tugging. Spinal blocks " DO NOT FAIL" but every time the Dr cut I cried out in pain. Brian was worried, I just cried and screamed. The anesthesiologist kept telling me it's all normal. I know he had to be having an oh crap moment... the dr said it was just another min and she kept saying sorry. I hear them say "ok dad come with us", an arm reaching across me to my IV  and that's all I remember.

I don't know how long it was from first cut to Ansel being born, it seemed like forever, and the worst part...I don't remember hearing his cry. I don't remember them showing him to me, though Brian said it did happen. The moment I was so excited about and it was gone. Just. Like. that.

The next thing I remember is the sweet midwife telling me that we were all done and they'd take me to the recovery room where Brian and Ansel were. Brian thankfully had taken some pictures for me while they were cleaning him up etc.

 

When I got to the room I was groggy but I saw Brian and he was holding my sweet baby boy and relief washed over me. Then I saw our dear friend Miss Donna and I got a little confused. To my knowledge we hadn't even called Mom to let her know yet. Brian brought Ansel over for me to see him, he took off his hat and a nurse flipped out on him. I was all , um this is my kid and we'll do what we want, in my head. The other nurse told Brian it was fine just keep him away from the vent. So we now have Nurse Nice and Nurse Weener. Nurse nice checked Ansel out while Brian was holding him for me, I was still too scared to hold him because I was so groggy. Nurse Nice calmly told me that Ansel really needed to nurse and any time I was ready he was. Nurse Weener then hits me with a 10 ton blow. She said "it's been over 3 hours since he was born, I don't care when you are ready. He needs to nurse in the next 5 minutes or I am giving him a bottle." 

I was made to feel like I was being selfish and uncaring. I couldn't even sit up but here I was being told it didn't matter what I needed he needed to nurse NOW or she was going to feed him for me. But wait?!?! 3 hrs? What? Where the heck did all the time go?  My other two weren't even done getting checked out before the Dr's had me all closed up. We were talking like 30ish min or so before I got to recovery and got to nurse. I don't know what happen, I don't know why it took so long after he was born. What I do know is my husband was so scared he called someone to come and be with him and Ansel just in case. He knew I was VERY clear..Ansel was NEVER to be out of his sight. That has always been our deal. No matter what he stayed with the baby. I have read, heard, or watched tv movies about babies being stolen from the hospital and it wasn't going to happen to us.

 I wanted so badly for us to be able to have that bond of nursing. My picture of that first special moment did NOT include other people facilitating that moment for me. Someone else held him, he nursed, they moved us and the rest of that night is hazy.  In and out of a fog is what I did all that first night.

I wished I remembered more, I don't know what exactly happen, why the spinal block was insufficient, and I guess I need to go get the surgical records to find out. I do wonder how often it happens and what can be done to avoid it ever happening again should I have another baby. I really am sad that I don't have this great story for the first night of his life, but these past 3 years have been amazing raising him. It's definitely worth every bit of trial I went through to bring my sweet boy into this world.

reflections of Ansel

Today my baby turns 3. Happy birthday handsome. I cant believe how fast that went.

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I woke up and I could feel my hands.....

 I rolled over in bed to find my sweet little Ansel had sneaked into my bed in the night. I reached up to stroke his angelic sleeping face, suddenly I realized I could feel it! I squealed with joy, ran to my other two kids and just stroked their hair, their faces. I couldn't get enough.  It was the single most happy day since may...

Then I woke up.

When I became a mom, I learned to cherish those sweet stolen moments of caressing my kids face, stroking their hair, holding their hands all those moments that give you that feeling of awe. That feeling of extreme gratitude and wonder at how you made this little person and there they were in all their glory.

You never realize what little things you cherish until they are gone. The ability to do these simple things I took for granted.

There are the normal everyday things you get frustrated over, personal hygene, getting dressed, opening bottles, getting some tylenol for a headache. You suddenly realize you need someone there to help. Brushing the hair of your wife can quickly be put on the back burner when there is laundry, dishes, vacuuming  and little potty training bottoms to wipe. You adjust, learn to manage. Cut your hair, avoid buttons and zippers even if it means wearing PJ's a lot, use your teeth, get your kids to help etc. You aren't prepared to have to adjust but you do. But what happens when you loose something that you can't find a substitute for?

No warning came, no rule book or manual. Emotions go crazy, everything you knew suddenly isn't any more. Parts of your life are gone and the rest completely different. You get twisted and turned around and inside out. On top of everything else my heart has been ripped out. Those special moments were ripped from me.

I don't know how to find a substitute for the loss of that feeling. The connection that I felt when I got to steal those little moments with my children. We still snuggle, giggle, and play. There is just something about those moments I would eat up and I am starving for them.

Cherish all the little things in life, savor them knowing that each time could be your last. You never know when those things will get ripped from you. I may get those  moments back...but then again I may not. I know I can always dream about them, but no matter how vivid that dream is, it's just not the same.

Bringing it all into focus.

Sometimes in tragedy we find our life's purpose - the eye sheds a tear to find its focus.  ~Robert Brault

Sometimes when things go crazy in life, it's to help us find the focus. The REAL focus. It's all to easy to forget where we should focus our time, efforts, energy, and emotions.  Now, I am not saying that every tragedy in life is to prove some point or to give someone this huge epiphany or something. Sometimes though, I think that is exactly what these blips of craziness are supposed to do. When we get down on the kind of parent we are, down on what kind of spouse we are, down on what kind of friend, sibling, child we are; these blips sort of help us find the focus and bring us back from our pits of despair and focus our energies on the things that truly matter.

I had an opportunity to take some time with dear friends and get a bit of a recharge.  I have been on the verge of quitting recently, more then once.  Now when I say quitting, I'm not even sure exactly what that means. I can't say I've had any sort of suicidal thoughts because that just isn't who I am. I really though, beyond that, don't know how far quitting meant. I just know I was so tired of not being able to do, feel, or know. Frankly I stopped doing that which my Heavenly Father would have me do, I stopped seeking the good. Not really intentionally just my focus was gone. My focus was blown way out and I needed last weekend to help me realign it.  The theme of the conference was fittingly, "Seek the good". Inspirational speakers, soul lifting music, and even tearful realizations were on the agenda Friday and Saturday.  

Messages about how you may not choose how things happen, you do get to choose how you handle them. Messages about how all of us are in a sinking boat, some of us might have bigger holes in our boats then others, but we are all sinking. Our stories may not turn out exactly as we would have written them, lets face it no one would intentionally write in tragedy to their own story, but without it how would we really know when the really great things are happening? How we handle the rewrites is what makes us who we are. Just like the refiners fire, the tempering is what makes us stronger.

I would never have written in the loss of my Dad at 16, or that car accident that changed my direction the month later. I would never have written in the job losses. I would never have written in 12 miscarriages, pregnancies riddled with pre-term contractions, and hyperemesis. I certainly would NEVER have written in MS into the story. Those things would never have made the final draft because I would have written in all the daisies, dandelions, and yellow balloons of life. I think if given the chance we'd all pick yellow balloons over rotten apples, even if those rotten apples eventually turn into a beautiful tree later. In the now, all we see are the stinky rotting apples.

 A few of my rotting apple situations turned into three of the most beautiful, trying, amazingly brilliant kids. My pregnancies weren't easy, but boy do my kids make up for that icky bag of goo while waiting for them. I am not sure exactly why my Dad had to leave this earth when he was so young, but I think more that wasn't about me. It was about this amazing man being done here on earth with what his Heavenly Father had for him to do. It was a release for him, my sorrow just happen to be a by product of the necessity for him to go on. I miss him like crazy but i know he is doing his part on the other side. This HUGE rotting sack of apples the Dr's call MS, who knows what it's going to bring in my life. What I see it teaching me right now is how to learn to ask for help. I still fight asking for help to the point of extreme frustration. I didn't ask to not be able to feel my kids face when I stroke it, I didn't ask to get tired just walking through the grocery store, to the point of near fainting. I didn't ask for an overworked husband. I din't ask for the extra stress of medical bills and no insurance. I also didn't ask to have an amazing husband, kids, caring friends, and for a disease that isn't terminal. I do however, appreciate these things. I appreciate them more now then ever before.

So what do I do with this new found focus? I learned not to compare my boat and the holes in it to anyone else.  I know for sure that while I think my holes are huge, they are nothing compared to some. I learned that even if I think that I could have written my story a little better, my Heavenly Father is the best author. Only He knows where these twists, turns, and diversions are going to lead me. It's up to me to make my story something I am proud of, to handle the adversity with focus and seeking the good.  

I am sure I'll stumble more then I'll walk strong. Music can drive a message deeper then even words can sometimes, be sure to stop and truly listen. The only thing that matters is that you keep hearing the music, keep finding a beating drum to march to, even if it's completely different then the one you started out marching to.

I am still refining and honing my focus. As I face new challenges every day, new frustrations every day, I will try to keep the focus from at least getting blown way out again. I really don't want to quit. I really want to get past the depression of loosing who I thought I was. I would love to move on to finding out who I will be. I want to be an amazing mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend. Until I can get there, until I can let go who I thought I was going to be and work on who I am meant to be...

I will seek the good, and try to bring it all into focus.

Friends...they help pass the time

I used to be extremely extroverted. I never had trouble making friends growing up. I had to,we moved so much that making friends quickly was a survival thing. Then I married one of my best friends and had kids. Now I feel like I don't make friends so well. I have lived in this area going on 3 years. I go to church, am active with the kids school, but just do not feel like I have friends to hang with, be a get away or anything.

I have dear friends, don't get me wrong...just none of them are in Athens. My bestest of friends are at least an hour away. I also have friends I have never met in person, great friends who I've spoken to on a near daily basis and care about me and mine. Even if they aren't people I've met in person they are genuine and caring.

In the mail today was an envelope. In the envelope was a card. In the card was a very kind, thoughtful, loving gift.The gift was a key chain that said "just keep swimming" on it. The gifters? A group of women I met   on a message board three years ago. To this day haven't met a one in person. They are a sounding board, they listen to my hopes, fears, trials, and triumphs. Today they made me feel loved, like I have a team cheering for me. Today my downs aren't quite as down.

I cherish my fiends from afar..I hope that soon I can have some to cherish who are near.

Days...

There are days and days in one persons life. Some are good, some bad, some great, and some you wish never happened.  There are days I wish I could do over, rewind and have end differently, some I'd like to skip all together. There are a few days I'll never forget and do not mind keeping.

Keep List

• Meeting my very best friend in 7th grade. Christa and I were like two peas in a pod. She and I shared nearly all of our biggest teen life moments together. 
• Marrying the man of my dreams. I would change how we did it,but the actual act...never ever. (FYI never elope if you are the baby of the family and the last girl...it's bad mojo from your mom for the rest of your life.)
• The day that I got to look into the eyes of each of my amazing kids. I live and breathe for them.

Give Away List

• The day I found out my dad died. I was 16 at a church youth conference and everyone just stared as I broke down.
• The day I let someone make me feel like a failure for not being able to nurse James or deliver him vaginally. I battle that feeling of inadequacy often because of that one day I let it creep in.
• The day we decided to move to CO. That lead to much heart ache for my family.
• The day my life changed and MS became a factor in my life.

There are more I'm sure but these days stick out in my mind. I know that these events shape us into who we are. I know that those days will have a forever profound mark in my life but I really do wish some could be taken away. 

I have MS, even if you don't think I look sick

If you don't know me or don't see me on a daily basis you might never know. I don't have a rash, lost limb, or really any outer display to tell you I am sick . I don't use a wheel chair, walker, or cane...yet. I may look completely "normal" if you see me in the am, and a hot mess by afternoon. That's just the nature of MS.

I have nerve damage, you can't see it, only I can feel it. I am not stuck up or trying to be offensive by not shaking your hand,hugging you, or accepting the warm friendly rub on my arm. It hurts, like a lot. Imagine having a wire brush ran up and down your arm, or pressed into our hand...that is what I feel with every friendly arm rub, hand shake,or hug.

Every day normal activities that I used to be able to do I can't or am in the process of trying to figure out. When you think I've worn the same pants three days in a row, don't whisper, I probly did. I can't button buttons or zip zippers so I am limited on what clothes I can wear. And yes I did just wear that shirt, it's one of the few that don't make me go crazy after 5 min of wearing it. 

I would rather have an elaborate cooked meal, in fact I LOVE to cook; however I love my fingers too. I am still figuring out how to get back to doing something I love safely. I can and almost have easily cut a finger off and not felt it until it's too late, burn my hands because that pot or cookie sheet didn't feel that hot. So don't judge me when my kids say we had spaghetti or fish sticks six times this month. Orturn up our nose because my 11 and 8 year olds have to help with dinner.

Typing,oh how I love to type! I communicate on facebook, socialize, and network my business. I don't type as fast as I used to, in fact I am down from 100+ wpm with perfect accuracy to 18 wpm with still many mistakes. I still do it because it's an outlet for me.  It may take me longer and I may not always fix my typos but I am ok with that no need to point them out. My handwriting is pretty much illegible so when i say i can't write,I mean it takes me forever and a lot of focus and energy to make it illegible. My husband usually fills out the paper work for me, but clearly he's not sewn to my side. don't take it personally if i ask you to jot something down for me.

MS is an autoimmune disease I was born with it, I didn't do anything to cause it. Nothing really brought it on and nothing will make it go away. I may get better as the myelin  heals, but I might not. i may end up in a wheel chair, with a walker, or a cane..might not. Being fat did not bring this on, and being thinner won't make it go away. I have goals to loose weight, but they are my goals not yours...I don't have to tell you if I don't want to.

if I am any better or my hands go back to normal I will shout it from the roof tops. If you don't want a real answer don't ask me how I am doing. Most days i am ok, not dead is a good thing. There are also days I am extremely depressed and feel like I can't do this. It's normal,  if I ever can't shake the funk I have an amazing Dr who will help me and I won't hesitate to call him.

Things that you can do? I surely do not expect anything from anyone...

• Any time a meal is brought it takes that much stress out of my day.
• Cards make me smile.
• Just being thought of and little random acts of kindness are great.
• Just be a genuine friend.
• Sometimes i just need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to.

I try to keep things light and in the end, I guess really just be kind to people because you never know what battles they are facing and could really use an ally.

It's time for a new page deisgn, I'll have to see what I can find

Just a little retrospect here, I have in the past year been in 2 car accidents. Ansel was 3wks old when we got into one, had to replace a carseat, but it did it's job and protected my little man. We just had our second this year on Saturday. A whole chain of events happened that I am positive is what made our outcome so much better.

Lets start with, we have my niece over for a visit, James was at home with her and Grandma and our friend Fiona. Blessing #1

Ansel's car seat was installed in my friend's car and I was too lazy to move it into one of ours. Blessing #2

I am a car seat Nazi. Blessing #3

I didn't go by myself, Brian came with me. Blessing #4

Brian turned left instead of our normally going straight. Blessing #5

So many more..but lets begin the recreation of events.

Friday night, I went to a lovely conference for Women. It was inspirint and a much needed affirmation for me that I AM a good mother, and I DO do a great job with that duty.

Saturday the conference continued, my friend was with me, and we used my van to car pool. So she left her beastly tank of an SUV for Brian to drive. I had installed Ansel's carseat, and put the high back booster in the car for Madilyne and moved over James' booster as well.
Time Out For Women was fantastic, very inspirational and uplifting. We got home and I realized I didn't have enough chicken nuggets to feed everyone so I was going to go pick something up at the store to make dinner. I normally would have gone by myself or taken a baby with me somethin like that. I felt impressed to have Brian go with me, so I asked him to come and off we went. I thought about moving the carseats into our little cobalt, but alas I was too lazy to do so. I figured it was a 10 minute trip so I would move them later. We were across the street from the store, stopped at a stop sign, we saw that it was clear, to get to the store we had to cross a 4 lane hwy, once it was clear we went, made it past two lanes of traffic, Brian instead of going straight as he normally would have, he turned left. Out of no where, a black ford explorer emerged and smacked our front end, he bounced off and smacked us again. There were no skid marks, his car was so badly damaged he couldn't get the driver side door open. But the other driver was ok, Brian was ok, the car we were in barely looks like anything happened to it.

Madilyne, Ansel, and I went to the hospital to get checked out. Ansel was fine just scared, Madilyne bruised her shoulder bone, but nothing major. No broken bones, no lacerations, so that was good. I have a concussion, whip lash, and bruising to my upper chest area and back.

Had we gone about this the way we normally would have, I doubt we would have fared so well. That Explorer vs my little cobalt, explorer would have totally won. We had Fiona with us so we were able to leave Carly and James, making two less kids with us.I had installed the car seats the morning before and because I'm such a car seat nazi, they were installed correctly. Because my children were properly restrained they suffered minimal injuries. Had Brian gone straight, the impact would have been right into my door, and who knows what would have happened to me then.

All these blessings add up to an event that could have been completely different. Yes we crashed a car that wasn't ours, Yes we don't have the money to buy new car seats and wait for reimbursement, yes we don't have the money to pay the deductible, but YES my kids are alive, YES Brian and I are alive, YES we were protected by a guiding force that I can only explain as God and his Angels.

Life is good!

Still going....=o)

So I am totally diggin the cloth diapering. Ansel's bottom looks so much better and they are deffinately NOT what I thought they were.

I used to baby sit twins and they had the yucky prefolds, pins and rubber pants. HATED it. But I am so into the all in ones and pockets and all in two's and all the new stuff for diapers now!

Brian is probly glad we don't have alot of money right now haha, I'd be buying diapers left and right!

Pics to come soon!

My Cloth Diaper Journey

I have decided to take a little journey through the cloth diaper forest.
I have learned that there are lots of different trees in this forrest.
You can find really good protective trees that don't let sap run all over you, and then there are not so good ones that the sap just seems to oooze out.  I have also learned that when you wash these "trees" once fantastical trees and turn into stinky ooozing trees.

I have gotton alot of help along the way from friends, from websites and am hoping that the diaper fairy will leave me some money or some diapers LOL

Here is what I know.
I know that cloth diapering is so way different from the prefolds and diaper pins and rubber pants that I delt with when I baby sat twins years back...

I love all in ones, aka AIO, I like prefolds folded into thirds and put it in the cover, and I like pocket diapers too. They are half way between aio's and prefolds and covers. they have a nifty pocket that you put a liner into. lots of different choices and brands in all of these categories.

There are places that will give you great info on washing and care. There is even a place that will help those who want to cloth diaper but can't afford the start up! check out The Cloth Diaper Foundation

Lots of give aways and discounts. Right now even Cotton Babies is having a free diaper week! Seriously cool, hey a girl can hope she'll win right? I dig the Bum Genius diapers, they are an AIO and keep Ansel super dry! I also dig the econobum, it's very cost effective =o)

all in all this forrest isn't ask big dark and scary as i had originally viewed it. I am sold...Brian on the other hand...not so much..Yet at least

Mommy wants freebies give aways...gotta love em

So I totally dig Mommy wants freebies. I totally dig giveaways even still...so here are two spankin give aways


http://www.mommywantsfreebies.com/2010/08/coupon-binder-review-giveaway-ends-908.html  - coupon binder

http://www.mommywantsfreebies.com/2010/08/chicobag-review-giveaway-ends-914.html  - a foldy upy messenger bag

I love love the blog have fun and go check it out.

Today is it!

Today here in an hour I will have had my exit interview at Sage, a place that I have spent as much if not more time in that past four years as my own home. A place where I found loving friends, wonderful people and a decent place to work. Ultimately a choice I only sometimes regret lol...and only because it put us in a place where we counted on my job when that was never the intention.

I will be saying good bye to good people, to coming into work for "The Man" and turning over myself to my family once again and working for them.

I am beyond excited, but a little sad to close the chapter of my life that I call my Georgia existance.