What message I choose to find...

I've seen lots of hullabaloo over frozen as of late. Lots of off the wall analysis of what it all means. The hidden agendas, the devils that Disney is imprinting into our children etc. I decided I wanted to get my peace out "on paper".

 So I've discussed this with my spousal unit, and we decided we adore the movie. The music is phenomenal, the story line is amazing and well done. We love the characters and most certainly LOVE the empowerment that Disney provides our children, daughter and sons alike.


Elsa is not the first princess who is hidden away, remember a certain blonde named Cinderella? How about that cute little black haired chick, what's her name? Ah, yes! Snow White. So this whole coming out of the closet agenda is crap.

Elsa is born with her gift.. the little troll asks born with it or cursed? We see right off she is born with a gift that no one quite knows how to deal with. She and her parents are counseled to not let fear get in the way. She is told that fear will be her biggest downfall. I don't know about you, but for me raising my children can be extremely crazy scary at times.  I have children who are gifted. I have children who are gifted WITH learning disabilities and emotional behavioral disorders. I can choose to teach them to embrace their gifts and stare their challenges in the face, OR I can hide them away, teach them to conceal their shortcomings, hide their gifts and talents so no one ever knows there is anything amazing about them. By embracing their gifts and facing challenges life throws at them, I am teaching them to know how to love themselves. I am teaching them how to be accepted and loved for who they are. ALL OF WHO THEY ARE.  Fear made the King and Queen hide Elsa away, they were afraid that people wouldn't accept her for who she was. She learned to fear, conceal her gifts and talents, and cower away in a room where no one could get close enough to really know who she is.  It is only until her secret is out that she feels freed from having to hide away. She finally embraces the take me or leave me attitude that I think all children should be taught. I want my children to be who they are, to not let anyone's thoughts change who God made them. I want them to love who they are, be confident that they are fabulous people and embrace that if someone chooses not to see that or doesn't like it; they can take it or leave it but they aren't going to conform to what others want them to be.

Next we come to dearest Anna. She is so cute and naive. She is starved for love and affection. She craves companionship, to the point of fantasizing about finding her true love in one night. Disney has often done this, the princess meets the prince, they fall in love and ta-da! Happily ever after. This time though, it's different. Disney is FINALLY helping our little girls realize that not all fairy tales need to end in meeting that boy and marriage after one date. I love that consistently throughout the movie Anna keeps getting told she can't marry someone she just met. Her sister, who Anna desperately seeks affection and approval from is the first. You can see she is hurt and that Elsa is just being mean. Then you see Kristoff tell her the same thing! Then he proceeds to point out why, asking questions and pointing out disgusting habits that guys might have etc. Never before have we seen our princesses having to think about what happens when we meet someone and get married without really knowing them.

Anna is filled with love, this is clear. She is confident she can help her sister because she loves her. She is positive she won't hurt her because Anna loves Elsa. Anna seeks out her sister, gives her all trying to save her. Elsa doesn't want to be saved, she doesn't want to go back to the isolation she'd felt for the past decade or so. I know that having family is love, loving when you get burned, loving when no one else would. Loving with the thought that surely they wouldn't hurt you. Sometimes though, through disappointment, anger, words said that aren't thought through, the hurt comes. However unintentional it might be, it can come. Most of the time we never see it on the horizon, but it strikes us to the core. We have to find it in ourselves to let the hurt go. That hurt can ruin us. That hurt can breed hate and coldness in our hearts. Anna we see struggles, she thinks she can find the resolution in someone else only to find that they burn her as well. She never asks for an apology, expects Elsa or anyone else after that to give her something to make things right. She finds that forgiveness, extends it and the true love that saves her is her own.

Kristoff, he's a new sort of character. He is a great supporting role. He teaches my boys that it's OK to work along side a strong female and be important, without being walked over.  He is witty, kind, loving, and has a great sense of duty and chivalry. He keeps his word, even when that ends up loosing his sled that he put so much work into.  Sometimes keeping our word is so much more important then what we may have to give up in order to do so. Kristoff also teaches my boys that again, fairy tales don't have to end in a wedding and happily ever after once the princess is saved. That it's ok to get to know who you are interested in before you jump head first into marriage.

I am not touching the Oakin claim beyond this; I believe he was acknowledging the family that was partaking in his sauna special. I do not think he was acknowledging HIS family. If he was, so what? Do we breed hatred for others? Do we teach our children that how someone feels and chooses to express themselves, no matter how much we may disagree with it, is deserving of hate and unkindness? I teach my children that our Heavenly Father teaches us to love all mankind, that it's not our place to pass judgement lest they may be judged severely.

I choose to see this movie as a brilliant lesson. I think the music is amazing, the storyline very appropriate, and the characters all endearing and lovely. I see empowering young ladies, strong young men, stupid wicked cute snow men, reindeer, and rock trolls.  I am happy to let my children watch this movie, listen to the soundtrack, and openly quote it.

Surgery imminent.

I can remember from a very young age times I have sat in bed with fevers so high I would hallucinate, the room would spin, and the floor would fall out from under me. I remember reactions from antibiotics that I was allergic to, swim and dive meets that I had to miss, and many play dates spent in bed with a throat so raw and tonsils so swollen I couldn't swallow.

I had the opportunity when I was 7 to have my tonsils removed, my mom passed. For that I thank her every day. The doctor wanted to remove them in office under local anesthetic via the cold steel method. Gratefully she said no. But, because of that I spent a good portion of the rest of my childhood sick with strep throat or some other form of throat infection and suffered from sleep apnea.

I remember my 8th grade school year. I was anxious to start yet another new school. I was so excited to be in a different place, I actually really wanted to be there. I woke that morning for school with tonsils so swollen they gagged me, I could hardly swallow, and talking was essentially out of the question. I got myself ready for school and hopped on the bus. I spent the whole day at school completely miserable. I am sure I infected a good few of my classmates with strep, but I didn't want to miss yet another thing because I was sick.

So here I am, nearly 33 years old, embarking on an operation that should have been ventured more then 20 years ago! I am apprehensive of the pain that will be involved. I am for sure NOT looking forward to the recovery time. I am looking forward to the weight loss benefits. I am 100% looking forward to the relief of throat infections and room in my throat to breathe.

It took some doing and lots of visits to the ENT to get this ball rolling and surgery scheduled. He drug his feet, ordered a slew of tests, and finally scheduled surgery. On 2/27, Thursday morning I'll be rid of these infection harboring lumps of uselessness in my throat. I will also be enduring a turbinate reduction at the same time. These two procedures should allow for better airways and a significant reduction of symptoms and a road to easier breathing, less need for antibiotics, and a better quality of life for me.

I will see if I feel so grateful for the surgery on Friday or Saturday =o)

I don't want to be like "SHE" any more!

I never thought being an adult would be so hard. I remember wishing and pleading for my childhood and teenage years to be over so I could be an adult. I wanted the husband, the family and everything else I thought an adult did. What I did not bargain for was the immense desire to be successful, to not struggle, to be the very best you can be, and even yet be better then you think you are. I never realized I'd have set myself these unattainable goals and then be so upset with myself for not reaching them.

I never imagined I'd compare myself to someone else and decide my way needed to be like their way. That I would tear myself down with these feelings of needing to do things the way "SHE" does them.  Now this "SHE" I speak of, well it's not just one person. It's like 500! It's every person I see who I think has it more together then me, in some way or another.

I sit here in front of my keyboard tonight pondering. I ponder why it is that we are so desirous to be like someone else. Why do we, as women, tear ourselves down, beat our selves up, kick our own butts, set these insane goals to be like "SHE". We do this and all the while "SHE" is doing the same flippin thing! Because of course "SHE" is a woman too. We have these pictures of women to live up to, but much to often they are made up or one sided.

We rely on social media to tell us what or how everyone is doing. We profile stalk, blog stalk, twitter stalk, and the ever dreaded pinterest stalk. We do these things to get ideas on how to be a better us. But really all we are doing is tearing ourselves down. I have so much to be proud of, so much that I can share with the world. I know deep down I'm probly pretty spectacular. But on the surface, I'm not so sure... I can't name five things that I think are stellar about me. I can't name five things that I really do great and could share that with the world. But I surely could name those things about any number of my female friends or even acquaintances. Sadly, I  know I'm not alone. I have, like many many other women, become victim of working on becoming like "SHE".

I have struggles that many will not. I have had struggles that many will never see. I have gifts and talents and things to share, but haven't because I have this immense feeling of not being good enough.

I don't want to be like "SHE" any more! I want to work on embracing me. Changing the things I can, embracing what I can't. Instill in my daughter that she just needs to be her. She shouldn't strive or want to strive to be like "SHE". That as a daughter of our Heavenly Father, she is amazing. She is of divine creation. Her spirit is just her own. No one will possess exactly the same talents, strengths, and weaknesses as she does; but that is exactly how it is supposed to be. The only way to do that is to embrace the things I want to teach my daughter and instill in her myself.   

So I will work hard on my list of 5, how about you?

Why I know there is a God.

So I recently heard the phrase, "if there was a God we'd have (money or insert what ever you want here)".  I was heart broken to hear it, and then realized that I needed to make sure that I had taught my kids different. I want them to know that life isn't about having things, having money, or getting everything and anything we want. If you always had everything handed to you, you would NEVER know when to express gratitude. If you never feel sorrow, how could you know you were experiencing joy? If you never suffered pain, how could you identify pleasure?


I have always tried to be that middle. I have always wanted my kids to be happy and to give them the things they want, but not everything they want without any work. I have mostly succeeded I think, I know I have given in a few times when I shouldn't have. I know there were times when working mommy syndrome kicked in.

I know for sure they are gaining life altering experience right now. With Daddy as a full time student, we are learning that instant gratification is NOT happening. We came to Idaho with nearly nothing. We left tons of things in Georgia, we've had to learn to give up tons.

I have noticed that my children are smiling more. They enjoy life, and being outside. We may not have oodles of money, but they for SURE are experiencing joy that has been suppressed for quite some time because of where we lived.

We have been blessed with a home, food in our tummies, people who love and care for us, and each other. I know there is a God because he has given me these things and the experiences and opportunities to recognize them.


 I'll gladly give up stuff so that I can see my children's smiling faces.

The difference a year makes..

It's been a year. What seems like maybe indeed the longest year of my life, a year none the less.

It started on May 22 with some weird tingling in my toes after a rather long ride in the car. I have back problems from a former car accident and just assumed I had been in the car too long. By the 24th the numbness and tingling had traveled up my body taking more and more of my feeling with it. I went to the ER that day, scared to death that something really really bad was happening.  I posted this on facebook that night:

"at Athens Regional Medical Center, being admitted for who knows how long. Saw neurologist he seemed worried but didn't know just yet what to say. MRI and other various tests in the works...ps. scared to death"

I don't even know if Brian knew how truly scared I was, and I don't think I'll ever truly know how scared he was. 

I went through MRI scans, heart monitoring, a failed lumbar puncture, a lumbar puncture under fluoroscopy, and finally on June 29th a diagnosis. Relapsing Remitting Multiple Sclerosis


Multiple sclerosis (MS) was first described by French neurologist Jean-Martin Charcot in 1868. Yet, after more than 140 years of research into the disease, much remains a mystery. There is no known cause, and as yet, no cure. However, there are treatments that can slow the progress of the disease and manage the symptoms, and new research is expanding our understanding of this unpredictable illness.

What is MS?   for the quick explanation think of an electrical cord that has been chewed by a dog. The plastic coating has been damaged and while some of the wires are exposed the lamp works but the light may flicker but still sorta works, then once you wrap it up with electrical tape it works better and maybe only flickers when it's moved or messed with. Your nerves have a fatty coating called myelin and it protects your nerves. MS means multiple scars...your immune system attacks the myelin and exposes your nerves causing nerve damage. As the myelin heals it scars up and then protects the nerve again. It doesn't make the damage go away but can make some of the symptoms lessen. When you over exert or get too hot or too cold it can make symptoms re-surface or existing ones worse.

The course of the disease varies greatly from person to person. It is impossible to predict the severity or progression in any given individual. To better develop appropriate management plans, MS is divided into four classifications:

Relapsing-Remitting
Secondary-Progressive
Primary-Progressive
Progressive-Relapsing

MS comes with a whole slew of symptoms and they all pretty much suck. 
I currently exhibit fatigue, neuropathy isolated to my arms and hands, tactile and sensory issues, and some cognitive and emotional dysfunction.

If you have questions ask me.. if you have judgements, flippant remarks, unkind words, or general snarkiness please leave those things at the door. I did not do this to myself, being overweight didn't cause it, drinking diet anything didn't cause it (FYI I don't' drink diet anythings, they taste gross and make my throat feel funny). I know I need to loose weight, eat better, exercise more, those things don't happen over night. It's not OK to hurt feelings so sometimes your "good intentions" or things you say "out of love" really hurt. If you don't understand how it works, can come about etc ask! I may not have an answer and I may need to try to search it out but I'd much rather questions then judgements.

I know it's hard to deal with a disease that will not get better, and in fact over time will only get worse. It's hard to process what life will be like, at least for me that is the case. It's hard to think about all the what if's. What if I loose the ability to walk, talk, see, use my hands all together? These are all very real things that could happen.  Luckily for me I have a fantastic spouse who helps to keep me grounded.

I have recently decided to try to go to school. My passion is photography, I wavered assigning that as my major because I got a case of the what if's. He told me to do it any how, even without MS I could loose the use of my hands or even my life at any given time Heavenly Father decides to call me home.

So this coming year I hope to be working on my degree, strengthening my family bonds, striving to be the best mother I can be, to be a better wife, and most importantly to not dwell so much on the what if's of life and just LIVE.



My life is forever changed, but it is NOT over and I will do and be all that I can until I am called home to my Father in heaven.

I entered a contest...

I entered a contest for the Multiple Sclerosis Foundation. I wrote quickly and from my heart. I never expected to win anything, just to get my heart out there... While I didn't win the grand prize, I did win a runner up prize .

I never imagined the challenges that I would have being faced with this condition. I never imagined having to relearn to be me, to do what I do, and to be happy with who I am. I am constantly still relearning limits, trying to push through, and forever working on body image.

 I have lost a lot of who I am; one thing no one can take from me was my God given gift of motherhood. Even when my babies don't need me any more, or don't think they need me any more, I will still be their mother. I have memories to cherish, memories to make, dreams that have came true, and dreams yet to have.

I am ME, I am not going ANYWHERE anytime soon!


The topic : Before and After adapting to MS. How I continued to fill a need in my life when MS got in the way.

Before MS I was able to snuggle, stroke, and lavish in the stolen moments of their slumber. I took for granted being able to feel their delicate skin, to stroke their soft hair. I never realized I needed those moments as a mother. I just took them because it was easy. I stole those moments when they were still and quiet.

After MS I lost the feeling in my hands, I have neuropathy in my arms and hands. Most days the pain is so significant I can't even touch my own clothing. I have learned to adapt by stealing snuggle moments while they are awake, I use my cheek to feel close to them because it has feeling. I write in my blog to get out the frustrations of my loss. I have however gained an appreciation for those moments I did get and for the new ones I am creating with them because at least I have them.

The African Tribe

There is a tribe in Africa where the birth date of a child is counted not from when they were born, nor from when they are conceived but from the day that the child was a thought in its mother’s mind. And when a woman decides that she will have a child, she goes off and sits under a tree, by herself, and she listens until she can hear the song of the child that wants to come. And after she’s heard the song of this child, she comes back to the man who will be the child’s father, and teaches it to him. And then, when they make love to physically conceive the child, some of that time they sing the song of the child, as a way to invite it.

And then, when the mother is pregnant, the mother teaches that child’s song to the midwives and the old women of the village, so that when the child is born, the old women and the people around her sing the child’s song to welcome it. And then, as the child grows up, the other villagers are taught the child’s song. If the child falls, or hurts its knee, someone picks it up and sings its song to it. Or perhaps the child does something wonderful, or goes through the rites of puberty, then as a way of honoring this person, the people of the village sing his or her song.

In the African tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them.

The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another.

And it goes this way through their life. In marriage, the songs are sung, together. And finally, when this child is lying in bed, ready to die, all the villagers know his or her song, and they sing—for the last time—the song to that person.

So as parents not a member of this particular tribe, I struggle when I have to punish my kids. I ask my self often when my kids do wrong how do I respond? Well it has depended on the offense most times. In my house hitting seems to be quite often the offense, I don't do hitting. I especially don't do boys hitting girls. EVER, my boys are to love and respect women and that love and respect starts with their sister. There is bickering, there is disobedience and those are usually dealt with with time outs and extra chores depending on how old you are.  

I have yelled too much, I have spanked, I have resorted to punishments that I have never thought I'd ever do. I am human. I am over worked, under paid, and stretched thin when it comes to this mothering business. I love my children with all my heart and there are some days I want to take a mommy break but in the end I wouldn't change my life for all the world. Still there are times I struggle KNOWING that I've made and are making the right decisions when it comes to molding my children into the people they need to become.

I have most recently had to deal with an incident with my oldest that I never dreamed I'd face.  I found myself furious, hurt, scared, and then all I wanted to do was wrap him in love. I didn't want to punish him; no thoughts of grounding, details, sentences, or any other sort of our typical punishments for wrong doing came to mind. I just wanted him to know he was loved. I wanted him to feel safe, secure, and to feel his most magnificent self worth. I wanted him to feel his Heavenly Fathers love as well. I needed him to know that no matter the wrong doing he still had worth, and even still his worth was more precious and costly then any gem or gold in the world. 

This response triggered some deep thoughts on my worth and my place in this world. The first was that I really didn't know what I was doing but by darned I sure was trying my hardest to help my little ones turn into pretty spectacular big people. That as human as I am, even my self worth as a person, daughter, and mother were equal to my own children. I wasn't worth more or less and that in our Heavenly Fathers eyes we are all his children and worth every effort that He has put into us. I KNEW my children were worth every piece of my heart and soul I poured into them. What I was having trouble feeling, was that I was worth every piece that MY parents and Heavenly Father had put into me. 

So while I try to repair my skewed view on my own self worth, I'd encourage everyone to find peace. KNOW that you are worth every bit of heart and soul that were poured into you. If no one else, your Heavenly Father sees your worth and He pours every piece of his divine work into you because you ARE worth it. Especially when we make mistakes. 

I wish our society could adopt some features of that African tribe, that during crucial life experiences and transitions, we are shown more love then disappointment.  You know though when you are in tune with who you are supposed to be and when you are not. When you are feeling on top of the world, you are more closely in tune with who you are supposed to be, when you are feeling awful then you are not. 

Sing your song, keep singing it even if it's out of tune in parts...A great musician recognizes when they are out of tune and makes adjustments to be in tune by the end of the song.





 

General Conference and making the boy blog

I love getting to hear the general authorities  speak. I love that we have opportunity to listen to the prophet and apostles speak to us, delivering messages to use for us in our time. So we listen/watch at home. I love that I can listen, ponder while I take notes, write etc.  I am grateful for my Heavenly Father, for the messages from our church leaders, and for the blessings brought to my life because of it.

In other news, I make the oldest boy design a blog template. He's been reading a CSS book that his Dad gave him. I am having him use that information and design a blog template and write on a blog.

He's irritated that I am making him work on something towards a specific goal. He is so smart but direction following is sometimes hard for him. This has proven to be quite interesting in the teaching aspects. He gets frustrated ..is it wrong that I giggle because he's so frustrated?

Once he has something decent I will post an address so you can follow his progress if you'd like.


 

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Deffinitions...

Depressed
adjective

1.sad and gloomy; dejected; downcast.

2.pressed down, or situated lower than the general surface.

3.lowered in force, amount, etc.

4.undergoing economic hardship, especially poverty and unemployment.

5.being or measured below the standard or norm.

While the dictionary says depressed is an adjective, I am calling this nasty thing a noun. It is a person, place, and thing all rolled into one. I have become this noun every once in a while and I fight it ever so vigorously.  I don't want to be THAT girl. You know the one who was diagnosed with a medical condition that while isn't terminal or life threatening it sure as heck is life altering, thus life is over girl.

 The neuropathy is not worse but it certainly isn't better. I go to bed in pain, wake up in pain, and depending on the degree usually end up with severe pain mid day.  There is medicine that might work better for the neuropathy but it's expensive so I can't try it. I don't have medical insurance so there are tests I've not had, medicine I can't get, and OT and PT I can't do because of it. My Dr. won't prescribe or even try something I can't afford, he said that would be like torture. Brian got a new job so maybe soon when the insurance kicks in I might be able to find some sort of relief.

I was taking this medicine, it's an old school anti-depressant. It helped a little but not a whole lot. The dr upped the dosage but all the medicine really succeeded in doing is making me numb. Emotionally numb that is. I couldn't feel anything emotionally. I had highs that should have been grand but I just didn't feel them. I didn't feel the lows either. I guess not feeling the lows was ok-ish. I stopped taking that medicine. The effects didn't out weigh the benefits. I didn't like not feeling emotions. Brian said that it wasn't pleasant to deal with me on them, and I was markedly different. 

When I stopped those meds everything felt on fire from the shoulders down. That was a 24hr sensation for about two months. I am now starting to be out of that constant on fire feeling. There are days when I am more stressed that it comes back with a vengeance. Those days I don't do much. I don't want to just wander emotionless through life, so this was a necessary step.

I still get depressed, and I feel it. I have plans to make, things to organize, and a life with an amazing husband and three deliciously brilliant and adorable kids to live. I won't sacrifice feeling those happy emotions to not feel the bad ones, or to not feel the physical pain.

With all those ramblings I leave you with this...

 Dust settle down, cob webs go to sleep, I'm rocking my babies and babies don't keep.

Everybody hurts...sometime

I hold this in most of the time. Today I just don't feel like it, so today I will blog about it. 

 From dictionary.com- Family (n)

1.a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not: the traditional family.

2.a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for: a single-parent family. 

3.the children of one person or one couple collectively: We want a large family.

4.the spouse and children of one person: We're taking the family on vacation next week. 

5.any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins: to marry into a socially prominent family. 

6.all those persons considered as descendants of a common progenitor. 

I don't know what causes one to deepen or change what the dictionary meaning of a word is. I don't know why I had invested such meaning into the word, but I just did.

What I thought Family meant: 

Family was a group of related beings(brothers, sisters, mom, dad, aunts, uncles,and cousins) that were there and reliable, loving, caring, and if you could count on no one else, you could count on your family. 

What I have come to find it can mean: 

People who don't talk to one another unless they need or want something. Back biting and trashing of those who aren't there to defend themselves. Judgmental pow-wow's about what they think someone is going through. Hurtful comments made to one member about another. Showing more care for unrelated people then your own family. 

But I also know that family doesn't have to be related. Some of the most amazing "family" I can count on are not related to me by blood AT ALL. It can mean people who care about you even though you are separated by many miles and only can connect via internet and phone, A home and visiting teacher who were once assigned to care that turn into ones who genuinely care and you can turn to for anything, A "friend" who you've met online and never in person but they are the first to ask what they can do to help. 

When I got sick, I never thought that it would be those friends who are family checking on me, caring for me, caring about my kids and husband. I never thought that my own flesh and blood family wouldn't do those things. I never thought I'd meet such opposition or distrust or judgmental attitudes from them either. I struggle daily. I know I am not perfect, I know I have faults. But I also know that I have feelings that are hurt because instead of talking to me I have family who talks amongst themselves to decide how bad off I am. Instead of trying to understand what's happening with me, they compare me to every "other person with MS they know".

 MS effects each person differently, it can damaged any one of the many nerves in your body to any degree. There is no typical or standard. I wish I could be like one of those every other people with MS that it doesn't grossly effect their lives. But up until I was diagnosed, I only knew one person with MS, and I am so beyond grateful that my MS isn't to that extent. 

 I pray that with time it will get better. I pray that the nerve damage heals more, that I learn to cope with my disabilities better. I pray that I get to feel the way I did before. I pray that I have good days and that I will remember to be thankful for them. I pray that I can learn to forgive those who have hurt me, as well that those who I have hurt will forgive me. I am thankful for those friends who have become family to me in the way I'd expect family to be. I am thankful for my real family too, I just wish that I things could be different. Maybe in time this too shall pass but until then, I hurt, and some of that hurt is deeper then others. 

The emotional hurt sometimes is worse then the physical.

Love is in the air...

Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.  ~Author Unknown

 Love is a  grand thing. Love can span any distance known to man, it can break down walls that otherwise would be rock solid, it can turn men into a puddle of mushy goo, and turn tears into laughter. Love is just a beautiful thing. 

Love also comes in all shapes, sizes, and flavors. You love your kids, but not the same way you love your spouse or significant other. You love your friends, but not the same way you love your mother.

A hallmark holiday or not, I love love, and I LOVE valentines day.

There is more yet to come..

First off, RELAX and don't get too excited...There is indeed more yet to come for us and our Humlettes.

 Rest easy it's not happening any time soon. I have had this argument with myself, my mother about having more kids. I ultimately would like at least one more. My Mom flipped her lid because in her mind I can't have any more kids because I have MS. I have had to remind her that I have had MS my whole life, I was only just diagnosed with it.

When I went to my follow up with my neurologist this past week we discussed this issue. Not because I am chomping at the bit to have more kids right now, but because he was considering changing my medicines. I get large welts after every injection. The welts last for two to three days and I get a bout a two to three day reprieve before I have to start all over.

This was about 20 minutes after the injection, it's the size of an egg. By the next day it will expand to the size of a baseball about and be sore, then turn a purplish color.

So Dr. Pitts asked if we planned on having more kids. First I was kinda shocked that he asked (because I felt like MS had taken that too), but I put out a non-committal answer of "Well we'd like to have more but we don't know where that will go."  He was asking because while the oral med doesn't have the skin reaction side effects, it is contra indicative to women of childbearing years if they plan on having more children. Copaxone is considered a category B drug, one that isn't tested on pregnant women but in lab tests for animals it doesn't effect their young. The pregnancy registry turned up no adverse effects. He said it's possible and certainly ok if we want more kids it just takes some planning. Stopping meds etc. Since I do not get pregnant easily, he wants me to keep taking it until I find out I am pregnant and then stop until I have consulted with a maternal fetal specialist.

Now I have the ok to have a baby, I do not feel my family is complete, but I also do not feel like right this second is the time to try to have another baby. We have plans that we hope to know about shortly and then we can talk about our family.

 The biggest thing for me is that the one thing that really means the world to me are my children and being a mother. I felt like MS has taken so much from me, that having more kids was going to be one more thing gone. Now I know..

There is more yet to come!

Blessed

I was given so many blessings this year, I felt the need to write them all down.

We have a home, Brian has a job, I have healthy children. I could go on about all the "normal" things one is grateful for but that would be boring. I want to share my gratitude a little deeper.

To start, I am grateful for my family, not just my children and my husband. I am grateful for my WHOLE family. Mom, Dad, Brothers, Sisters, Aunts, Uncles , Grandparents...EVERY single one of them. Being the youngest of 8 really has been an adventure. We have had trials, triumphs, failures, arguments, disagreements all the normal sibling stuff. I have prayed for each one of them every day. Some have needed more prayers then others at times. Each one of them holds a very special place in my heart.

I am thankful for our trials, not because I am some masochist or anything. I am grateful for them because it shows me that when I am at my deepest darkest hour, I have a Heavenly Father who cares enough, and loves me enough to send support. Without those trials I am not sure I would recognize these things as easily.

I am thankful for my friends, I don't have a lot of "real life" friends. I have a handful of friends whom I have never met in person, but I consider them some of the best friends I have. Whether they are the friends I have met in person or the ones I have met online, they are all sent to me to help me through these trials.

It has taken me just shy of two weeks to put these words down, I have done a lot of contemplating and planning and I really am feeling like I have a direction to point myself into. For these things

I AM BLESSED

The Day Ansel was born and why I don't remember most of it.

Contractions actually started on the 8th of December but  nothing of report happened until the 11th. I have a history of contracting and effacing but not dilating. I figured either they would stop or not. The went on as normal, kids went to school, Brian got the house cleaned and so on. We finally decided to just go when a knock came at the door unexpectedly. James had told his friend and his friends Mom that I needed to go to the hospital but we didn't have anyone to watch him. She came over right after school and offered take James and Madilyne so Brian could take me. Reluctantly I agreed to go to the hospital. We let James go with his friend and called The Carter family to take Madilyne so she would have Emma to play with.

We got to Labor and Delivery, they checked me and strapped me to the monitors. I was 90% effaced 1cm dilated. The nurses were not hopeful for me getting to stay and having a baby, but they said if the contractions looked good I just might get lucky. So Brian updated the little board that they putin the room with nurses info etc since the nurses hadn't done it yet.

It amused me..the nurses also found it amusing so it got to stay that way.

I feel contractions more up high then down lower, I told them so yet they still insist on putting the monitor down low. For the first hour they only picked up 2 or 3 contractions. The nurses came in and asked if I was still feeling them because it looked like they had stopped. I told them yes and to move the monitor and they'd pick em up. I was given 20 more minutes and then I would be sent home.

I started to cry, not because I wanted to have him right then per sey, but I was so gosh danged darn tired. They called the midwife and told her I was hysterical, which so was not true, but she came right away t "talk me down". The nurses hadn't reported to her that I had been contracting for three days already, that I couldn't sleep, couldn't get comfortable and was just tired. To top it all off I had the tail end of a cough/cold lingering.  After talking to her things seemed to jump into place.

The midwife asked me to go the 20 min on the monitor and let her talk to the on call OB to see what they would do. I tried to relax and meditate just to try not to freak out when they told me that I was going to go home.

Either I was super at my meditation or that was a really quick 20 min =o) . When the midwife came back in, she said " We worry about an overly tired mom, and after contracting for three days you have to be more then uncomfortable. You are contracting right now every 5 min. But still only 1cm dilated -4 maybe -3 station so we have to ask ourselves is this active labor or not?  Given your history of not dilating past 2cm and no baby progression past -3 station even after 30 hrs of labor and broken water etc we think you might be there. BUT then we look at how far along you are, at only 38wks 2 days, if we jump to doing the c-section and his lungs aren't ready."

So during all  this talking I am thinking ok well so we go home but I am so not taking breathene or anything but phenergren because that breathene sucks. The midwifes next words almost knocked me over...

She said "So you are going to have a baby tonight, in about an hour."

I was so flippin excited! it went so fast from that point. Brian got changed, I drank the nasty acid reducer stuff, prepped my belly and off to the OR we went. Then we realized we were so doubtful we'd be having a baby we didn't have our camera, video camera, bag NOTHING. Oh well it's probly good that we didn't because we were never prepared for what happened next.

I went into the OR without Brian so they could do my spinal block. It's usually just a matter of minutes from that point to hearing  the sweetest cry a Mom will ever hear. Spinal done, husband at my head, the last thing before the first cut is the time out. They ask me my name, what surgery I am having, and then they check that I am good and numb before cutting. The other two times they used the clamping pincher thingys to check they pinch the crap out of you, if you don't feel it it's a go. If you do it's a no go. This time they used some cold foam stuff? I thought I could feel it on the left side.

I told the anesthesiologist and he shrugged it off. Convinced I just needed another minute, he told the doctor to go ahead and start. She began her cut right to left. I felt the normal tugging pulling all normal feelings. The dr crossed mid line to the left side and immediately I felt a little zing. I said, "hey i can feel that I think" . The anesthesiologist ignored it. As the dr cut deeper I felt more and more. The anesthesiologist told me I wasn't feeling pain, it was just normal pressure and tugging. Spinal blocks " DO NOT FAIL" but every time the Dr cut I cried out in pain. Brian was worried, I just cried and screamed. The anesthesiologist kept telling me it's all normal. I know he had to be having an oh crap moment... the dr said it was just another min and she kept saying sorry. I hear them say "ok dad come with us", an arm reaching across me to my IV  and that's all I remember.

I don't know how long it was from first cut to Ansel being born, it seemed like forever, and the worst part...I don't remember hearing his cry. I don't remember them showing him to me, though Brian said it did happen. The moment I was so excited about and it was gone. Just. Like. that.

The next thing I remember is the sweet midwife telling me that we were all done and they'd take me to the recovery room where Brian and Ansel were. Brian thankfully had taken some pictures for me while they were cleaning him up etc.

 

When I got to the room I was groggy but I saw Brian and he was holding my sweet baby boy and relief washed over me. Then I saw our dear friend Miss Donna and I got a little confused. To my knowledge we hadn't even called Mom to let her know yet. Brian brought Ansel over for me to see him, he took off his hat and a nurse flipped out on him. I was all , um this is my kid and we'll do what we want, in my head. The other nurse told Brian it was fine just keep him away from the vent. So we now have Nurse Nice and Nurse Weener. Nurse nice checked Ansel out while Brian was holding him for me, I was still too scared to hold him because I was so groggy. Nurse Nice calmly told me that Ansel really needed to nurse and any time I was ready he was. Nurse Weener then hits me with a 10 ton blow. She said "it's been over 3 hours since he was born, I don't care when you are ready. He needs to nurse in the next 5 minutes or I am giving him a bottle." 

I was made to feel like I was being selfish and uncaring. I couldn't even sit up but here I was being told it didn't matter what I needed he needed to nurse NOW or she was going to feed him for me. But wait?!?! 3 hrs? What? Where the heck did all the time go?  My other two weren't even done getting checked out before the Dr's had me all closed up. We were talking like 30ish min or so before I got to recovery and got to nurse. I don't know what happen, I don't know why it took so long after he was born. What I do know is my husband was so scared he called someone to come and be with him and Ansel just in case. He knew I was VERY clear..Ansel was NEVER to be out of his sight. That has always been our deal. No matter what he stayed with the baby. I have read, heard, or watched tv movies about babies being stolen from the hospital and it wasn't going to happen to us.

 I wanted so badly for us to be able to have that bond of nursing. My picture of that first special moment did NOT include other people facilitating that moment for me. Someone else held him, he nursed, they moved us and the rest of that night is hazy.  In and out of a fog is what I did all that first night.

I wished I remembered more, I don't know what exactly happen, why the spinal block was insufficient, and I guess I need to go get the surgical records to find out. I do wonder how often it happens and what can be done to avoid it ever happening again should I have another baby. I really am sad that I don't have this great story for the first night of his life, but these past 3 years have been amazing raising him. It's definitely worth every bit of trial I went through to bring my sweet boy into this world.

reflections of Ansel

Today my baby turns 3. Happy birthday handsome. I cant believe how fast that went.

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I woke up and I could feel my hands.....

 I rolled over in bed to find my sweet little Ansel had sneaked into my bed in the night. I reached up to stroke his angelic sleeping face, suddenly I realized I could feel it! I squealed with joy, ran to my other two kids and just stroked their hair, their faces. I couldn't get enough.  It was the single most happy day since may...

Then I woke up.

When I became a mom, I learned to cherish those sweet stolen moments of caressing my kids face, stroking their hair, holding their hands all those moments that give you that feeling of awe. That feeling of extreme gratitude and wonder at how you made this little person and there they were in all their glory.

You never realize what little things you cherish until they are gone. The ability to do these simple things I took for granted.

There are the normal everyday things you get frustrated over, personal hygene, getting dressed, opening bottles, getting some tylenol for a headache. You suddenly realize you need someone there to help. Brushing the hair of your wife can quickly be put on the back burner when there is laundry, dishes, vacuuming  and little potty training bottoms to wipe. You adjust, learn to manage. Cut your hair, avoid buttons and zippers even if it means wearing PJ's a lot, use your teeth, get your kids to help etc. You aren't prepared to have to adjust but you do. But what happens when you loose something that you can't find a substitute for?

No warning came, no rule book or manual. Emotions go crazy, everything you knew suddenly isn't any more. Parts of your life are gone and the rest completely different. You get twisted and turned around and inside out. On top of everything else my heart has been ripped out. Those special moments were ripped from me.

I don't know how to find a substitute for the loss of that feeling. The connection that I felt when I got to steal those little moments with my children. We still snuggle, giggle, and play. There is just something about those moments I would eat up and I am starving for them.

Cherish all the little things in life, savor them knowing that each time could be your last. You never know when those things will get ripped from you. I may get those  moments back...but then again I may not. I know I can always dream about them, but no matter how vivid that dream is, it's just not the same.

Bringing it all into focus.

Sometimes in tragedy we find our life's purpose - the eye sheds a tear to find its focus.  ~Robert Brault

Sometimes when things go crazy in life, it's to help us find the focus. The REAL focus. It's all to easy to forget where we should focus our time, efforts, energy, and emotions.  Now, I am not saying that every tragedy in life is to prove some point or to give someone this huge epiphany or something. Sometimes though, I think that is exactly what these blips of craziness are supposed to do. When we get down on the kind of parent we are, down on what kind of spouse we are, down on what kind of friend, sibling, child we are; these blips sort of help us find the focus and bring us back from our pits of despair and focus our energies on the things that truly matter.

I had an opportunity to take some time with dear friends and get a bit of a recharge.  I have been on the verge of quitting recently, more then once.  Now when I say quitting, I'm not even sure exactly what that means. I can't say I've had any sort of suicidal thoughts because that just isn't who I am. I really though, beyond that, don't know how far quitting meant. I just know I was so tired of not being able to do, feel, or know. Frankly I stopped doing that which my Heavenly Father would have me do, I stopped seeking the good. Not really intentionally just my focus was gone. My focus was blown way out and I needed last weekend to help me realign it.  The theme of the conference was fittingly, "Seek the good". Inspirational speakers, soul lifting music, and even tearful realizations were on the agenda Friday and Saturday.  

Messages about how you may not choose how things happen, you do get to choose how you handle them. Messages about how all of us are in a sinking boat, some of us might have bigger holes in our boats then others, but we are all sinking. Our stories may not turn out exactly as we would have written them, lets face it no one would intentionally write in tragedy to their own story, but without it how would we really know when the really great things are happening? How we handle the rewrites is what makes us who we are. Just like the refiners fire, the tempering is what makes us stronger.

I would never have written in the loss of my Dad at 16, or that car accident that changed my direction the month later. I would never have written in the job losses. I would never have written in 12 miscarriages, pregnancies riddled with pre-term contractions, and hyperemesis. I certainly would NEVER have written in MS into the story. Those things would never have made the final draft because I would have written in all the daisies, dandelions, and yellow balloons of life. I think if given the chance we'd all pick yellow balloons over rotten apples, even if those rotten apples eventually turn into a beautiful tree later. In the now, all we see are the stinky rotting apples.

 A few of my rotting apple situations turned into three of the most beautiful, trying, amazingly brilliant kids. My pregnancies weren't easy, but boy do my kids make up for that icky bag of goo while waiting for them. I am not sure exactly why my Dad had to leave this earth when he was so young, but I think more that wasn't about me. It was about this amazing man being done here on earth with what his Heavenly Father had for him to do. It was a release for him, my sorrow just happen to be a by product of the necessity for him to go on. I miss him like crazy but i know he is doing his part on the other side. This HUGE rotting sack of apples the Dr's call MS, who knows what it's going to bring in my life. What I see it teaching me right now is how to learn to ask for help. I still fight asking for help to the point of extreme frustration. I didn't ask to not be able to feel my kids face when I stroke it, I didn't ask to get tired just walking through the grocery store, to the point of near fainting. I didn't ask for an overworked husband. I din't ask for the extra stress of medical bills and no insurance. I also didn't ask to have an amazing husband, kids, caring friends, and for a disease that isn't terminal. I do however, appreciate these things. I appreciate them more now then ever before.

So what do I do with this new found focus? I learned not to compare my boat and the holes in it to anyone else.  I know for sure that while I think my holes are huge, they are nothing compared to some. I learned that even if I think that I could have written my story a little better, my Heavenly Father is the best author. Only He knows where these twists, turns, and diversions are going to lead me. It's up to me to make my story something I am proud of, to handle the adversity with focus and seeking the good.  

I am sure I'll stumble more then I'll walk strong. Music can drive a message deeper then even words can sometimes, be sure to stop and truly listen. The only thing that matters is that you keep hearing the music, keep finding a beating drum to march to, even if it's completely different then the one you started out marching to.

I am still refining and honing my focus. As I face new challenges every day, new frustrations every day, I will try to keep the focus from at least getting blown way out again. I really don't want to quit. I really want to get past the depression of loosing who I thought I was. I would love to move on to finding out who I will be. I want to be an amazing mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend. Until I can get there, until I can let go who I thought I was going to be and work on who I am meant to be...

I will seek the good, and try to bring it all into focus.

Friends...they help pass the time

I used to be extremely extroverted. I never had trouble making friends growing up. I had to,we moved so much that making friends quickly was a survival thing. Then I married one of my best friends and had kids. Now I feel like I don't make friends so well. I have lived in this area going on 3 years. I go to church, am active with the kids school, but just do not feel like I have friends to hang with, be a get away or anything.

I have dear friends, don't get me wrong...just none of them are in Athens. My bestest of friends are at least an hour away. I also have friends I have never met in person, great friends who I've spoken to on a near daily basis and care about me and mine. Even if they aren't people I've met in person they are genuine and caring.

In the mail today was an envelope. In the envelope was a card. In the card was a very kind, thoughtful, loving gift.The gift was a key chain that said "just keep swimming" on it. The gifters? A group of women I met   on a message board three years ago. To this day haven't met a one in person. They are a sounding board, they listen to my hopes, fears, trials, and triumphs. Today they made me feel loved, like I have a team cheering for me. Today my downs aren't quite as down.

I cherish my fiends from afar..I hope that soon I can have some to cherish who are near.

Days...

There are days and days in one persons life. Some are good, some bad, some great, and some you wish never happened.  There are days I wish I could do over, rewind and have end differently, some I'd like to skip all together. There are a few days I'll never forget and do not mind keeping.

Keep List

• Meeting my very best friend in 7th grade. Christa and I were like two peas in a pod. She and I shared nearly all of our biggest teen life moments together. 
• Marrying the man of my dreams. I would change how we did it,but the actual act...never ever. (FYI never elope if you are the baby of the family and the last girl...it's bad mojo from your mom for the rest of your life.)
• The day that I got to look into the eyes of each of my amazing kids. I live and breathe for them.

Give Away List

• The day I found out my dad died. I was 16 at a church youth conference and everyone just stared as I broke down.
• The day I let someone make me feel like a failure for not being able to nurse James or deliver him vaginally. I battle that feeling of inadequacy often because of that one day I let it creep in.
• The day we decided to move to CO. That lead to much heart ache for my family.
• The day my life changed and MS became a factor in my life.

There are more I'm sure but these days stick out in my mind. I know that these events shape us into who we are. I know that those days will have a forever profound mark in my life but I really do wish some could be taken away.